I've been moved pretty easily for the last few days -- I'm just in a heightened emotional state and I'm inspired by things because of it.
Today I heard a song I'd never heard before -- actually, I saw a video someone had made with it. Because I don't want to have to explain the complexities of what the video meant to me right now and because there is a particular topic I'd like to avoid in this post, I'm going to stick to talking about the song.
The song is called "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne. In addition to the lyrics, which I am about to talk about, the music is absolutely gorgeous. It is like stopping in a still moment to listen to yourself breathe and hearing music instead.
I had a very dear friend waiting for me when I came back from California. I didn't know her at the time, but she was there for a reason, and ended up being a godsend. I miss her terribly.
Elizabeth saw my potential because she knew me without my even having to explain myself. She had studied at Julliard, taught music to deaf children, mingled with celebrities, performed as an opera singer, and had even been in a movie called (I think) "Under White Sails." (I can't find any information about this movie but I did get to see pictures of this event in her life at her funeral.)
Elizabeth had been in the Air Force and lived most of her life as a pastor's wife. That's how this beautiful, talented, wise woman ended up in my backyard. She wanted to know about me, she shared my dreams for the future, she tried to help me think of ways to reach my goals, she listened intently when I shared my experiences -- particularly when they involved music or theatre -- and she tried her darndest to coach me in singing and help me get over my stage fright. I didn't know it at first, but I really really needed her at that time in my life, and it just so happened that she had somehow wound up in a little town in rural Indiana -- my home.
Most importantly, she taught me that it was okay to be at home. The greatest lesson she gave me at that time was that I should just settle and not struggle -- not settle for anything less, but just be calm and let my life move forward as it was supposed to, taking the time to learn my lessons and smell my roses rather than trying to force my way through everything. I don't think she knew she taught me this.
I have been through a lot since her personal battle and death that I wish I could talk to her about -- most importantly my current inspirations and dreams, and the fact that I have realized over the last year that I have a very great struggle that I need to overcome -- that stage fright is the least of my fears that are holding me back.
The wonderful thing about realizing you have a problem is that when you do, you are suddenly enabled to attempt to overcome it.
I am trying, now that I'm able to, and it is certainly an uphill battle. Sometimes when I feel like I'm succeeding, there is a whole section of the battlefield I've neglected to notice and conquer and I fall back.
Today, in church, I was inspired to realize that I have to be ready, when my door of opportunity opens, to walk through it. I can't think twice. When I get a chance to do something, I have to jump at it, grab it, seize the opportunity, take it, make it mine -- with no hesitation.
Hesitation is something that is easy to do when you are a 'fraidy cat. Life is just one big hesitation.
And I realize that if I expect a door to open, I have to be at a point in my life -- mentally, emotionally, and spiritually -- to walk through it. So I have to get ready, right now. No hesitation. I can't concentrate on this tomorrow. If the sky opens up and a miracle falls into my lap in the middle of the night, I need to know where my shoes are. You know what I mean?
Then I came home this afternoon and heard this song.
Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies
Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness
Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall
Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now
Doesn't that just say it all?
I have been weary and confused. My heart has been heavy. I have been lonely, and I have been missing old places and faces -- and wishing for new ones, throwing myself into daydreams about things I don't know how to accomplish. It is absolutely true that you cannot trust your walls of safety and protection. I love my walls. I hide behind my walls. And they do crush -- devastatingly.
But if I am aware of here and now, I can be ready for tomorrow. So, if you are are like me, screw your courage to the sticking post and keep your shoes by your bed. Be ready.
One thing I've done differently this time than in the past -- I have not lost faith. In fact, I've searched for more.
"Inside you there's a strength that lies ... It's only time, it will go by ... It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness ... Don't lose faith in me and I will try not to lose faith in you ... Be here now."
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