With One Look

For some reason I have no inkling of, I woke up yesterday morning with the song "With One Look" stuck in my head.  This was completely out of the blue.  Often when I have a dream or have a song stuck in my head I can trace it back to something that triggered it, but not this time.  I just inexplicably woke up with "With One Look" playing over and over in my mind.

I went to YouTube and watched various performances of it, including the one I had first seen starring an absolute favorite of mine, Glenn Close.  Somewhere a long time ago I had seen at least part of the movie "Sunset Boulevard" starring Gloria Swanson, and I of course remember that classic line,

"I am big.  It's the pictures that got small."

At the time I don't think I was really able to grasp what the movie was truly about.  I think because I was young and the concept of ageism -- or aging -- was not something I gave a whole lot of thought to, and because I probably saw the movie on TV (small pictures!) and missed the beginning, Norma came across to me as a tragic psycho and nothing more.

Yesterday I specifically watched Glenn Close, Patti LuPone and Elaine Page performing "With One Look."  It is true that, when interpreted correctly, Norma really can "break your heart" with just one look.

The comments on Glenn Close's performance really had me thinking though.  I was both entertained and defensive when I read this one:

"she's way overacting this song. patti kept it controlled and believable"

I launched into a spoken monologue about the character of Norma, how in her heart she truly was larger than life -- as big as pictures -- and age had no bearing on her ability to affect a person with any emotion she felt was needed at the time.  Did she even realize that she would die someday?  I felt that Glenn Close performed her exactly right, and that was without mentioning the fact that we were watching a stage performance with a camera zoomed in on it.  Acting on stage, particularly in a large concert hall, is a whole different beast than acting in front of a camera.  I felt that Glenn Close in the part of Norma was being critically misjudged by people who had only ever seen her as a "movie star" in her most recognized roles like Cruella de Vil, Alex Forrest in "Fatal Attraction" and Vice President Kathryn Bennett in "Air Force One."

The comments section under the Glenn Close video in many places looked more like a debate on whether Patti LuPone or Glenn Close was better in the role.  Trust me, a YouTube comment section is no place to gather critique.  First of all, I'd venture to guess that many fans are biased in their opinions of what actors and singers are better than others.  Second, there really is no way to interpret how a form of art is better than itself.  Different works strike different people in different emotional ways.

Another comment said, 

"Yes, but it’s an interpretation that works very well because the character Norma Desmond is a has-been actress that Hollywood has long forgotten. Part of of Norma Desmond’s self-delusion is that she still believes herself to be a Hollywood star and her purchase on reality is so tenuous that she continues playing the part of a Hollywood Diva, whether anyone is watching or not. In this part, I prefer a strong actress over a strong singer. [Omitted comparison to Patti LuPone.]"

And my personal favorite comment:

"I totally agree!!! totally...we're not looking for technical singing perfection...we're looking for someone who can act like she's totally crazy, but doesn't realize it herself...Close is that actress...."

If any of you have not seen Glenn Close in a ... shall we say ... "soft" performance, I highly recommend you gain a new perspective on this great "movie star."  She's in a lot of movies I have not seen yet, but of the ones I have, I highly recommend that you consider her soft, maternal voice in Disney's "Tarzan," or try to find her in the movie "Hook," where she appeared with Dustin Hoffman and Robin Williams but no one seemed to notice (including myself!)  Watch her dual roles in "Maxie," her troubled mother and wife in "In the Gloaming," or her journey from out-of-place mail-order bride to passionate and loving mother and wife in a couple of my favorite movies of all time, "Sarah, Plain and Tall" and "Skylark."

And now, without any further analysis or ado, here are Patti LuPone and Glenn Close....

Authentic Me Coming Out

I would like to attempt to live a more honest life, a more open life, and a more loving life.  How can I live life to the fullest if I am not an open and honest person about who I am - not only with myself, but also with those I love?  And how can I love someone to the fullest if there is not open communication between us -- if they do not know who I am and what I stand for, and if I keep that from them?  How can I live up to my full potential to be the greatest human being I can be if I am not comfortable in my own skin and walk each day in fear of being judged or abandoned by those whose opinions matter most to me?

 

The Human Rights Campaign's resource guide to "coming out" opens with this line:

 

"Being brave doesn’t mean that you’re not scared. It means that if you are scared, you do the thing you’re afraid of anyway."

 

This is such a strong statement to me.  I am a three-plus generation "agoraphobe."  I put that in quotations because it has never been diagnosed in my family, but agoraphobia involves repeated attacks of fear or anxiety, fear of being unable to escape a situation, and fear of being outside or alone outside.  Agoraphobic people tend to be homebodies and depend on others.  They feel uncomfortable in certain (sometimes specific) public situations.  All of this describes certain unnamed members of my family and certain symptoms they have handed down to me.

 

So, you see, I know something about being afraid and having to be brave.  And it is VERY hard to do -- whether physically or emotionally.

 

The guide goes on to state, "There is no one right or wrong way to come out.  It’s a lifelong process of being ever more open and true with yourself and others — done in your own way and in your own time."

 

Now that's personal.  As a writer and "student of life," one of my greatest life philosophies is something Stella Adler said.  "This is not a 'course in drama.'  It is a course in opening up the vastness in you as a human being...There is no other way to grow except through an art form today.  A few hundred years ago, maybe religion could do it.  But today, only the art form is able to stretch a human being so he can measure up to his potential to grow and grow and understand himself and his life until the end.  We are here to get that."

 

That IS my life's goal.  To "open up the vastness" in me as a human being, and to "grow and grow and understand myself and my life until the end," and not just my own, but through that growth, to understand the human experience -- to live the lives of my fellow humans. Susannah Grant said, "Writing is the way to cheat the rule that says you have only one life to live."  I completely agree.

 

But, then, how can I live those lives and understand life completely if I am holding myself back?  I don't think I can, and I don't think I want to anymore.

 

In that way, I very deeply identify with my LGBT friends who "make deeply personal decisions to be open about who we are with ourselves and others -- even when it isn't easy."  And I envy those of them who do, for their ability to walk around in life with the sun on their face, not hiding who they truly are and what they honestly feel within themselves.

 

And before you say, "That's their business!  I don't need to know!" I would strongly encourage you to have a look at the section on "Deciding to Tell Others" in the Human Rights Campaign's guide to coming out.  Perhaps then you would better understand why it is important for you to know the deeply personal truth.

 

It is about being honest and authentic.  We are taught a lot of things about what is right and wrong growing up, and for many of us, it doesn't feel good to conceal something, particularly if it is about who we are. 

 

When I was waiting tables, the thing I hated most of all was having to flash fake smiles at customers for tips.  Why couldn't it be okay to smile at them when I wanted to smile at them instead of having to smile and pretend everything was okay even when the customer really wasn't being decent to me?  It made me feel like I was selling my smiles -- like I didn't value my own integrity or myself.

 

I feel horrible for anyone who feels like they can't live a life where they are true to themselves and others, or anyone who hates what they do or is unhappy but has to keep pretending things are okay in order to survive.  It is a terrible, awful feeling and it really does cause a person to question what the point of life is if we can't be happy just being who we are.

 

But "coming out" isn't just about feeling good -- it is about sorting out the people who we can count on, who really love us no matter what.  If I love you, I want you to know the real me.  If you love the real me, then our love is real.  If you can't love the real me for who she is, then our relationship was obviously on shaky ground to start with.  I don't want that.  So I have to tell the truth.

 

Joe Solmonese, the Human Rights Campaign President, put it like this:

 

"More than anything else, I think the thing that drives each of us to come out is an intensely human desire to be known and loved authentically for who we are.  That is something everyone can relate to — and something we should celebrate and honor in one another."

 

No, I am not building up to a big reveal about my sexual orientation.  But I deeply identify with my LGBT friends who have to decide whether they will come out, how and when and where they will come out and to whom. 

 

It is an absolutely terrifying thought that people you love might not love you back anymore if they find out who you really are and what you really believe and stand for.  It leaves a sickening pit in one's stomach.

 

And that's not even worrying about everyday friends.  Friends are people you plan to be able to count on or fall back on when you can't go to your family about something, but what if you yank the rug out from under them, too? 

 

I am afraid that I have not been openly supportive enough of my own gay friends when they came out to me or dropped hints about their orientation, and I am saddened every day at the thought that my own casual attitude about it might have actually driven them further from me instead of making them feel accepted.

 

I am coming out as a straight supporter.

I am coming out as a woman who will tell you she understands how close two females can be and how much they can love each other, whether straight or gay.

Some of the greatest loves of my life have been women.

I envy drag queens.  I love them -- their hair, their clothes, and their attitudes.  I aspire to be as comfortable being who I am and doing what I love as they are.

I am coming out as a liberal.  Obviously.  No, I'm not conservative.  There was a time when I was on the fence and identified with different issues from different angles.  Lately, I am having more and more trouble agreeing and identifying with anything and everything the Conservative Party does.  That isn't to say I agree with everything the Democrats do, but taking away basic human rights and punishing people like my loved ones with suppressive laws makes my head spin.  I cannot understand it or find any decent justification for it.

I am coming out that I believe that every person is entitled to worship in his or her own way.  I am very interested in many religions and cultures and would rather learn about them than judge them.  I believe we have more in common than most people would allow themselves to see.

My family brought me up to believe in God, follow the Bible, and declare Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  When I was a baby, I was not traditionally baptized.  I was, however, dedicated to the Lord by my parents.  I do believe that Jesus died on a cross for my sins.

However, I also believe there are many ways to fulfill a spiritual need and that need is different for everyone.

I am coming out that I would not classify myself as a traditional Christian. My spirituality is not based on only one belief system.

There is a great spiritual plan for me.

I am coming out that I am okay with people who identify themselves as Secular Humanist, Agnostic, or Atheist.

I am telling you that if Hell, as it was taught to me growing up, is real, and if sin as it was taught to me growing up is literally that, then I am going to Hell.  However, I just want to be me and to be true to what I feel inside of myself, so if that's the case, all I can do is be the best person I know how to be with integrity and honesty and face Hell willingly.

It is one thing to believe in Jesus but another to follow all the rules and let other people dictate to you who you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to believe.  That detail should be left between the individual and their god.

I am strongly coming out that I do still consider myself to be an actress.  I define that process as being a student of life and observer of people.  I analyze human behavior.  I interpret scripts, stories, and dialogue between people.  I want to share the things I learn with others.

"The word theatre comes from the Greeks. It means the seeing place. It is the place people come to see the truth about life and the social situation. The theatre is a spiritual and social X-ray of its time. The theatre was created to tell people the truth about life and the social situation."

I am emphasizing that I am a writer.  It goes along with the acting thing.  I mostly write about women and issues involving women.  My characters range from traditional white housewives to black lesbians, from little girls with irresponsible mothers to older women who discover who they really are for the first time.

I am emphasizing that I do desperately want to make a living doing what I love and what I feel I was born to do.  I feel more than anything else that I was put on this earth for that purpose.  It is my calling.  However, it is my calling whether I make money at it or not.  So no matter how unreasonable it may seem, I will continue to write and seek recognition for who I am and what I want to do.

I am coming out that I have very open-minded views about marriage.  I live with my boyfriend of 7+ years.  We would like to be married someday, but it has to be at the right time and for the right reasons for US, and if that day never comes, we will be okay.  We are only sorry that this aspect of OUR relationship causes so much concern for those we love.

I am coming out as a huge fan.  Of many things and people.  Almost everyone I know is a fan of something or someone.  I don't understand why I should feel judged for what I love when other people aren't.

I am coming out as a singer. 

I also get terrible stage fright when singing. 

I also dream of working with my favorite actresses. 

"Being brave … means that if you are scared, you do the thing you’re afraid of anyway."

I am coming out as a person who cannot tolerate injustice or abuse.  I have a really hard time watching people I love accept it.  When it is dealt to me, chances are I'm going to fight myself into a hole, tooth and nail, and once that's done I have to cut my losses and move on before things get worse. 

One of these days maybe people will stop sitting back and allowing bad things to happen to good people.

I am coming out as a potty mouth.  I control my language professionally and out of respect for other people.

I am coming out as a supporter of immigrants.  Some of the most patriotic people I have met are people who were not born in this country, but they understand the fundamental values which the United States of America were founded on when OUR ancestors came here as people who were discriminated against, fearing for their lives, servants and slaves.  They are willing to work as hard as we ask them to for the opportunity to stay here.  They know all the words of the Pledge of Allegiance, what the Statue of Liberty stands for, and the words on her plaque.  They want opportunity and liberty as much as we do.

I am most certainly coming out as a supporter of teachers and unions.  I come from the working class and I know how hard it is to be a teacher.  I know what teachers are going through right now with the recession and all that embattled public schools are demanding of them. 

As a worker, I know that companies are pushing and stretching their employees further and further to save a few dollars.  I know how exhausted, frustrated and beleaguered Americans are right now.

I am coming out as a supporter of the arts and the arts in schools.  Every person needs an outlet, a form of creativity, a way to express their individuality, or just an enhancement to the basic skills they need to know in life.  I know that debate rages, so I'll leave it at that.

And yes, I do get passionate about things that seem trivial to others.  When I do, just listen -- you might see something in a different light.

I am coming out as a person who has always been afraid to be myself, and who doesn't want to live that way anymore.  Take it or leave it.  I want to walk with my face in the sun.  I want to be honest with my family, friends, and my spiritual deity.  I want to stop being afraid to act differently, to believe differently, to disagree and voice my own opinions.

I want my soul to be comfortable in my body and my life.

So from now on, I promise to be respectful of your opinions, but to be proud of my own if they're different.  Sometimes part of respecting you will require me to step back, or keep my mouth shut, but I will no longer question my own ideals when faced with your judgments on them. 

I will no longer feel guilty when someone tries to tell me that living this way or that way is right or wrong, particularly when they have not even considered walking a mile in my shoes, and particularly when they have not paused to question me - myself - about the decisions I make. 

Your understanding of me is limited to your level of open-mindedness.  I do promise to always try to understand you and where you are coming from, and to listen, and I expect that same consideration.  We will not always agree, and I will not expect us to.  You shouldn't either.  Agreeing to disagree is more important than losing a person you love because of stubborn ways.

And yes, I am stubborn, so I may need a gentle reminder now and then of the promises I have made to you and to myself. 

Fights will happen.  But so will apologies and forgiveness, if you let them.

I have opened my heart and let you look inside.  I will always try to authentically do so, but you must understand that hearts are vulnerable and I will sometimes need to protect myself.

Most importantly, I hope that my being more open and honest will allow others that I love to live more authentically -- despite what the society they live in tells them about how to live, or believe or survive.

I am so full of love and passion and curiosity about life and the world and others.  Life is so short, but it can be a great journey, and I am so grateful to those who have allowed me into their hearts; and the best I can do is to honor them for that by aspiring to their level of unwavering love and openness.

Goodnight, Llanview.

"Goodnight hunks,

Goodnight Jessica,

Goodnight drunks,

Goodnight Todd’s body count,

Goodnight Bess,

Goodnight my bank account,

Goodnight Lords,

Goodnight Fords,

Goodnight to Llanview, one and all."

Apropos lines during 'One Life to Live' herald its cancellation

Kevin Spacey on the Survival of the Arts

Why everyone in our society should care about the survival of soap operas

(I published a more detailed version of this on my One Life to Live Examiner page.)

Here are my thoughts on the so-called impending end of daytime dramas/soap operas:

First of all, we're not too stupid to know that soap operas aren't limited to daytime programming. If you look up the definition of soap opera, it is "a television or radio drama series dealing typically with daily events in the lives of the same group of characters." They were named soap operas in the beginning because soap manufacturers sponsored them, or were their first advertisers.

Well, what do you know? Many of the hit shows during evening programming and on cable channels are soap operas, too, by definition. The only difference I, as a common viewer, note between these evening and cable shows and the daytime dramas on major networks is that not only do the daytime shows seem to have a lower production value, but they also tend to still be just slightly unbelievable.

Why the audience can believe that a drug-addicted doctor has one special patient a week that he manages to save the life of while battling his own demons, or that an antique dealer helps families by talking to ghosts, or that a writer can stumble into any murder scene and help solve it, or that a sociopathic serial killer helps save the world one murder at a time while working for the police and raising a baby … but can't believe the ludicrous things that happen on daytime soap operas … I don't know.

Maybe it is because soap operas have too many characters or jump from place to place too much? I am told that during the "glory days" of soap operas, the shows tended to focus on a few families at a time and the transitions from scene to scene were smooth, connected, and made sense. I almost find it hard to believe the fantastic idea that all the characters on these idealistic soap operas were somehow tied together in one common story as each individual character dealt with their own issues and opinions concerning that main story.

Or maybe it is because, since more people are working these days, there are less daytime viewers, so there are fewer sponsors and therefore less advertising money, and therefore less financial backing from the network and as a result a lower quality style of creating a show?

(For anyone who says it is because soaps don't tell original stories, it has been said that there is nothing original. It is all in how you tell the story.)

It is funny though, because ever since I started watching soaps and listening to what soap opera fans had to say, they have been screaming, pleading and begging for soaps to showcase less characters and stick to those few families that the show is based on -- like in the "glory days."

And since I have been watching soaps and listening to what their fans have to say, I have heard it explained numerous times from people "in the biz" that the most sought-after demographic are females age 18-49, which is also odd because … most of the soap fans I know are that age. Granted, I know of many die-hard soap viewers who have been watching since the 70s that are in their 50s and 60s, and many started watching with their grandmothers who are now in their 70s and 80s.

There is a really odd phenomenon happening here, and I have witnessed it first-hand from this side of the television screen. Soaps are going crazy to attract young females and add them to their viewership, but aren't able to keep them watching.

Here's why -- they attract them with story lines involving teenagers or with actors hired as publicity stunts. Young people tune in to see the soap opera version of a young girl not getting along with her father, a girl finding out that her parents are actually her grandparents, or to see their favorite reality TV star or pop singer step in for a couple of days. In the long run, they are confused by the way the show jumps from character to character and they realize that the person they were tuning in to see isn't even on every day -- no, not only are they not on every day, they don't even seem to matter to the show at all on the days when they aren't on! They aren't mentioned, and if their family is on without them, then that family doesn't seem to be concerned about the missing character. If, in the meantime, they become invested in a different character, the same thing happens!

This is very baffling to the 18-49 year old who may be used to watching primetime dramas with fewer characters to keep up with where families and friends matter to one another and there is a central storyline. So, they fulfill their need for drama with a cable show about a pregnant teenager or a lawyer who fights injustice in the ghetto, or if they're so inclined, a reality show where it is acceptable to act as trashy as you want because you aren't on network television in the middle of the day.

Here's the thing. The more you treat people like idiots, the more idiotic they're going to be. The less they have to think for themselves or form their own opinions about the events unfolding in front of them, the dumber and trashier our society is going to be.

States are already cutting so much funding to schools that the Arts are disappearing from education, and the federal government right now is trying to eliminate funding for free public television (also known as PBS) where you can tune in for educational programming, geographic shows, historic documentaries, cooking shows, concerts, travel shows … you name it … without having to pay for that cable channel or watch advertisements.

Every great leader - political, religious or business-oriented - throughout history has known this simple fact -- the stupider the general population is, the easier it will be to get them to buy into whatever you tell them or want them to believe. Societies have fallen because of it; genocide has occurred because of it; people have willingly committed suicide because of it. There are many great tragedies throughout the history of humanity in which people blindly accepted the influence of their leaders.

Now, networks want to replace daytime soap operas with talk shows, game shows, and reality shows. To them, it is just good business. Those shows are cheaper to produce on so many levels, so they are much more profitable. They can take that money that they would have given to an entire cast and crew of people or spent on props, paint, costumes and on-location shoots, and instead just pay a guy with a microphone and his crew and use the exact same set every day. I'm no television expert but I can easily understand how that works.

So, you see, this isn't just about daytime television. That's just the front line right now. Eventually this problem of having nothing to watch but reality shows and human competitions will be everywhere. You can already see it happening now.

Yes, it is hilarious when some idiot jumps off of a two story ledge and bounces off of a giant rubber ball and lands in a 5 foot deep mud puddle only to get up and repeat the process because he thinks he can improve his technique! Yes, watching celebrities discuss why they won't eat at a certain restaurant or deliberate over whether they should buy that $1,000 dinner china or try to rescue their cat from some predicament that the cat obviously prefers to be in … is riveting. But after the show is over, what do we have to show for it?

While soaps have been adapting and adapting again in order to ensure their survival, I am afraid they have been doing the opposite.

We, the television audience, would like the networks to recognize that we are not a stupid people. We value the Arts and we have pride in our country and the products that are produced here -- whether that be the items that are advertised by the sponsors, or the shows themselves. Like fans of a sports team, like members of a church, like unionized workers -- there is a reason we identify with and align ourselves with certain shows, characters and actors, and proudly proclaim our loyalty.

So while, yes, we may stop channel surfing to see what the topic of the day is on a talk show or to find out if the schmuck will risk $10,000 on something completely up to chance, we actually desire to have a connection to something that makes us think and feel deeply and want to be committed to.

Soap operas are an American legacy - like baseball or TV itself. The tradition of soap operas is actually older than television, and these shows have retained fans for years upon years while other shows and other genres fell by the way. The really special ones have even managed to meet the financial demands of the networks and survive recessions while repeatedly adapting to ensure their survival.

Not only that, but they have retained the loyalty of their best actors. Many of the actors on daytime dramas are multiple award-winning actors -- and we're not just talking about daytime Emmys. Many people in these casts also appear on and off Broadway, in independent and big-budget films, and on other network shows.

Will these extremely talented actors be able to survive in their careers without soaps? Of course they will! They stay in the genre because it offers something unique to them, and they consider themselves honored and lucky to be a part of it.

Will America be able to survive without soaps? Of course it will -- but it won't be the same. The end of soaps is synonymous with ending Arts education in our schools. It is a matter of the level of intelligence in our society and what we have to be proud of as a people.

When a family member visits your hometown or city, which product of society do you show them? You could take them to the pool at the nifty new motel in town, or you could take them to historical landmarks with significant meaning, something beautiful in your geography, or something truly incredible and aesthetically pleasing that man has managed to introduce to the landscape. In our country, do we want to be proud of the products on our television screens or just be happy that we have something on them that can make us smile for a half-hour?

That isn't just a question for the daytime viewers. We already know their answer. That's a question for our leaders, the networks, the people who influence how things are done, and everyone else we know.

Lazy Cat Series

I noticed that cute pictures with quotes are kind-of the "in" thing on Tumblr ... so I decided to try it by exploiting my cat, Ozzi, who is actually not very lazy.  I often call her my "familiar" as our personalities seem to be similar.  She just happened to be unusually cooperative on the day I took these pictures!

Strangely enough, the quote by itself is gaining popularity.  Do people really like my scribbled so-called "calligraphy" better than my gorgeous diva kitty cat?  What is the world coming to?

You can see more of my photos and some of my art attempts in my deviantART Gallery.

Lost Angeles

I knew I was going to move to Los Angeles for years before I actually did it.  People thought I was obsessed and my high school teachers rolled their eyes every time I mentioned Hollywood, L.A., or the things that were going to happen in my life after I graduated and flew the coop.  If I had to do a geography report, career report, Spanish project, sociology report -- you name it -- my subject matter was predictable.  I knew that Los Angeles was short for El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles del Río de Porciúncula (The Town of Our Lady the Queen of the Angels on the Porciúncula River) even before I had access to the Internet -- thanks to a book we had to use back then called an encyclopedia!

When the summer after my senior year finally rolled around I had three choices -- three roads to choose from.  The first and most obvious choice was Ball State -- a school far enough away from home that people probably wouldn't drop by unexpectedly but close enough that someone could get to me in an emergency.  A teacher I respected a lot told me that she thought I would be very comfortable there because it had a small town feel (as opposed to an overwhelming large university campus).  My second choice was Marymount Manhattan College in New York City.  I had interviewed over the phone and had not qualified for many scholarships.  The amount that I was expected to pay for tuition (also known as "family contribution") was pretty much the same amount that it would cost for tuition at choice number three -- acting school in L.A.  Neither Marymount Manhattan or Stella Adler Academy offered student housing, and I actually wasn't even considering acting school seriously because going to college was the right thing to do.  I was told by my guidance counselor that if I moved to New York I would end up in a gutter.  She literally told me that.

My dad was arranging our trip to New York with the travel agent but I had an icky feeling about something -- something just didn't feel right.  We discussed it.  The only thing I could put my finger on was that I was not looking forward to New York weather.  I really wanted to go to Hollywood.  He called the travel agent.  My grandmother bought me a new, sleek, feminine, sleeveless pinstripe suit to wear to my interview with the stipulation that I had to fit in it by the time I left.  I did.

L.A. felt good the minute I stepped out of LAX.  I can't really explain it except that the climate was perfect, the city felt energetic, and I felt connected to something inexplicable -- like for the first time I was part of something historic that my heroes were part of, too.

I could tell a thousand different stories about the places I lived, the places I visited, the people I met and spoke to, the pieces of the city that became familiar to me and that I started to claim as my own, the descriptions of the city that were proven wrong, and the ironies of my experiences versus what people back home assumed about them.  I lived in L.A. on and off for only about two years, and it has been almost 10 years since I left.

Still, even looking at pictures makes me feel like I am looking at a place I can call one of my homes -- a place where even when I tried to grow up too fast and lost track of my true self, I still feel like was the only place in the world where I was allowed to really be myself.

I made a point to take a lot of pictures when I lived in L.A. and I took some really-really good ones, but back then we used something called film ... so they are mostly in boxes, scrapbooks and in black plastic canisters, undeveloped.

My first stop in L.A. was the Hyatt on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood.  The balcony faced the entire city.  I had no idea how much time I would spend in West Hollywood during the next couple of years.

The Highland Gardens Hotel on Franklin became my "most often" home.  I'm not telling you which room but since it faced the street and not the pool, I got to watch the limos drive by and the searchlights dance in the sky on premiere nights.  The hotel has been refurbished and re-glamorized since then.  The Hollywood I lived in was a little more gritty and ... realistic?

When I lived in Hollywood, I had to walk through the madness in front of the Chinese Theatre every day on the way to school.  Braving the tourists, sweet Mexican guy in the tourist shop that always wanted to talk, and the French guys in front of the Roosevelt Hotel was the obvious choice in comparison to the creepy, off-the-beaten-path streets before the Hollywood & Highland Center/Kodak Theatre was built.  I was there when they gave Kevin Spacey his star next to the big black plywood wall that hid the construction.

I spent hours and hours here at Stella Adler Academy, which shared the building with a little ice cream shop (that also sold cigarettes, I think?) the Snow White Cafe, and the Wax Museum.  They liked to sneak celebrities in through the service elevator in back that students were not supposed to use.

This is an authentic speakeasy from the old days that they keep hidden in the walls of the school/theaters.  They pretty much only open it for special events and/or cast parties when people have paid the right price to use it.  That bookcase on the right opens to a hidden staircase leading to the roof so people could hide if the police came.  The greats of Hollywood used to party here.  During the L.A. bus strike when I was stuck in Hollywood for hours on end, I volunteered and was honored to clean this place after a party, but was appalled that anyone could make a mess in there because I felt it was a place to be honored.  I couldn't get the mirrors to quit streaking and was told later that there was hairspray on them because they'd been filming in there and it reduced the glare.  Some guys that were going back and forth in the hallway working on a set were going nuts because James Coburn was in the building.  It turned out he was filming his part in a fundraising video that I cannot for the life of me find online anywhere!

Toward the end of my stay in L.A., I used to hike up Runyon Canyon a lot.  From this popular vantage point you could see my hotel at the bottom, my school on the far left, and downtown in the far distance.  It usually looked less hazy and more smoggy than this, but the sky as I remember it was blue.

None of this was here!  I do remember peeking in as I walked by from time to time and seeing that white elephant and some of the Egyptian architecture, but for the most part the Renaissance Hotel in the background was a construction site and Hollywood and Highland was a stop on the new red line metro rail that I rode in from the valley -- Van Nuys to Sherman Oaks via Sepulveda, Sherman Oaks to Universal City via the Rapid Bus on Ventura, and then down the rail to Hollywood.  (By the way, the Sherman Oaks Galleria was a construction site then, too.  I worked across the street at Sisley.)

I love these "Photographs of Hollywood by Scott Supak" because they show the grittier vantage of the streets that are familiar.

I also very much enjoyed reading this article that really captured the essence of L.A. -- "On (Not) Leaving Los Angeles" by Sarah LaBrie at This Recording.

If any of the images above belong to you and you would rather I didn't use them, I apologize and will happily remove them.  You can tell me here.