With One Look

For some reason I have no inkling of, I woke up yesterday morning with the song "With One Look" stuck in my head.  This was completely out of the blue.  Often when I have a dream or have a song stuck in my head I can trace it back to something that triggered it, but not this time.  I just inexplicably woke up with "With One Look" playing over and over in my mind.

I went to YouTube and watched various performances of it, including the one I had first seen starring an absolute favorite of mine, Glenn Close.  Somewhere a long time ago I had seen at least part of the movie "Sunset Boulevard" starring Gloria Swanson, and I of course remember that classic line,

"I am big.  It's the pictures that got small."

At the time I don't think I was really able to grasp what the movie was truly about.  I think because I was young and the concept of ageism -- or aging -- was not something I gave a whole lot of thought to, and because I probably saw the movie on TV (small pictures!) and missed the beginning, Norma came across to me as a tragic psycho and nothing more.

Yesterday I specifically watched Glenn Close, Patti LuPone and Elaine Page performing "With One Look."  It is true that, when interpreted correctly, Norma really can "break your heart" with just one look.

The comments on Glenn Close's performance really had me thinking though.  I was both entertained and defensive when I read this one:

"she's way overacting this song. patti kept it controlled and believable"

I launched into a spoken monologue about the character of Norma, how in her heart she truly was larger than life -- as big as pictures -- and age had no bearing on her ability to affect a person with any emotion she felt was needed at the time.  Did she even realize that she would die someday?  I felt that Glenn Close performed her exactly right, and that was without mentioning the fact that we were watching a stage performance with a camera zoomed in on it.  Acting on stage, particularly in a large concert hall, is a whole different beast than acting in front of a camera.  I felt that Glenn Close in the part of Norma was being critically misjudged by people who had only ever seen her as a "movie star" in her most recognized roles like Cruella de Vil, Alex Forrest in "Fatal Attraction" and Vice President Kathryn Bennett in "Air Force One."

The comments section under the Glenn Close video in many places looked more like a debate on whether Patti LuPone or Glenn Close was better in the role.  Trust me, a YouTube comment section is no place to gather critique.  First of all, I'd venture to guess that many fans are biased in their opinions of what actors and singers are better than others.  Second, there really is no way to interpret how a form of art is better than itself.  Different works strike different people in different emotional ways.

Another comment said, 

"Yes, but it’s an interpretation that works very well because the character Norma Desmond is a has-been actress that Hollywood has long forgotten. Part of of Norma Desmond’s self-delusion is that she still believes herself to be a Hollywood star and her purchase on reality is so tenuous that she continues playing the part of a Hollywood Diva, whether anyone is watching or not. In this part, I prefer a strong actress over a strong singer. [Omitted comparison to Patti LuPone.]"

And my personal favorite comment:

"I totally agree!!! totally...we're not looking for technical singing perfection...we're looking for someone who can act like she's totally crazy, but doesn't realize it herself...Close is that actress...."

If any of you have not seen Glenn Close in a ... shall we say ... "soft" performance, I highly recommend you gain a new perspective on this great "movie star."  She's in a lot of movies I have not seen yet, but of the ones I have, I highly recommend that you consider her soft, maternal voice in Disney's "Tarzan," or try to find her in the movie "Hook," where she appeared with Dustin Hoffman and Robin Williams but no one seemed to notice (including myself!)  Watch her dual roles in "Maxie," her troubled mother and wife in "In the Gloaming," or her journey from out-of-place mail-order bride to passionate and loving mother and wife in a couple of my favorite movies of all time, "Sarah, Plain and Tall" and "Skylark."

And now, without any further analysis or ado, here are Patti LuPone and Glenn Close....

Authentic Me Coming Out

I would like to attempt to live a more honest life, a more open life, and a more loving life.  How can I live life to the fullest if I am not an open and honest person about who I am - not only with myself, but also with those I love?  And how can I love someone to the fullest if there is not open communication between us -- if they do not know who I am and what I stand for, and if I keep that from them?  How can I live up to my full potential to be the greatest human being I can be if I am not comfortable in my own skin and walk each day in fear of being judged or abandoned by those whose opinions matter most to me?

 

The Human Rights Campaign's resource guide to "coming out" opens with this line:

 

"Being brave doesn’t mean that you’re not scared. It means that if you are scared, you do the thing you’re afraid of anyway."

 

This is such a strong statement to me.  I am a three-plus generation "agoraphobe."  I put that in quotations because it has never been diagnosed in my family, but agoraphobia involves repeated attacks of fear or anxiety, fear of being unable to escape a situation, and fear of being outside or alone outside.  Agoraphobic people tend to be homebodies and depend on others.  They feel uncomfortable in certain (sometimes specific) public situations.  All of this describes certain unnamed members of my family and certain symptoms they have handed down to me.

 

So, you see, I know something about being afraid and having to be brave.  And it is VERY hard to do -- whether physically or emotionally.

 

The guide goes on to state, "There is no one right or wrong way to come out.  It’s a lifelong process of being ever more open and true with yourself and others — done in your own way and in your own time."

 

Now that's personal.  As a writer and "student of life," one of my greatest life philosophies is something Stella Adler said.  "This is not a 'course in drama.'  It is a course in opening up the vastness in you as a human being...There is no other way to grow except through an art form today.  A few hundred years ago, maybe religion could do it.  But today, only the art form is able to stretch a human being so he can measure up to his potential to grow and grow and understand himself and his life until the end.  We are here to get that."

 

That IS my life's goal.  To "open up the vastness" in me as a human being, and to "grow and grow and understand myself and my life until the end," and not just my own, but through that growth, to understand the human experience -- to live the lives of my fellow humans. Susannah Grant said, "Writing is the way to cheat the rule that says you have only one life to live."  I completely agree.

 

But, then, how can I live those lives and understand life completely if I am holding myself back?  I don't think I can, and I don't think I want to anymore.

 

In that way, I very deeply identify with my LGBT friends who "make deeply personal decisions to be open about who we are with ourselves and others -- even when it isn't easy."  And I envy those of them who do, for their ability to walk around in life with the sun on their face, not hiding who they truly are and what they honestly feel within themselves.

 

And before you say, "That's their business!  I don't need to know!" I would strongly encourage you to have a look at the section on "Deciding to Tell Others" in the Human Rights Campaign's guide to coming out.  Perhaps then you would better understand why it is important for you to know the deeply personal truth.

 

It is about being honest and authentic.  We are taught a lot of things about what is right and wrong growing up, and for many of us, it doesn't feel good to conceal something, particularly if it is about who we are. 

 

When I was waiting tables, the thing I hated most of all was having to flash fake smiles at customers for tips.  Why couldn't it be okay to smile at them when I wanted to smile at them instead of having to smile and pretend everything was okay even when the customer really wasn't being decent to me?  It made me feel like I was selling my smiles -- like I didn't value my own integrity or myself.

 

I feel horrible for anyone who feels like they can't live a life where they are true to themselves and others, or anyone who hates what they do or is unhappy but has to keep pretending things are okay in order to survive.  It is a terrible, awful feeling and it really does cause a person to question what the point of life is if we can't be happy just being who we are.

 

But "coming out" isn't just about feeling good -- it is about sorting out the people who we can count on, who really love us no matter what.  If I love you, I want you to know the real me.  If you love the real me, then our love is real.  If you can't love the real me for who she is, then our relationship was obviously on shaky ground to start with.  I don't want that.  So I have to tell the truth.

 

Joe Solmonese, the Human Rights Campaign President, put it like this:

 

"More than anything else, I think the thing that drives each of us to come out is an intensely human desire to be known and loved authentically for who we are.  That is something everyone can relate to — and something we should celebrate and honor in one another."

 

No, I am not building up to a big reveal about my sexual orientation.  But I deeply identify with my LGBT friends who have to decide whether they will come out, how and when and where they will come out and to whom. 

 

It is an absolutely terrifying thought that people you love might not love you back anymore if they find out who you really are and what you really believe and stand for.  It leaves a sickening pit in one's stomach.

 

And that's not even worrying about everyday friends.  Friends are people you plan to be able to count on or fall back on when you can't go to your family about something, but what if you yank the rug out from under them, too? 

 

I am afraid that I have not been openly supportive enough of my own gay friends when they came out to me or dropped hints about their orientation, and I am saddened every day at the thought that my own casual attitude about it might have actually driven them further from me instead of making them feel accepted.

 

I am coming out as a straight supporter.

I am coming out as a woman who will tell you she understands how close two females can be and how much they can love each other, whether straight or gay.

Some of the greatest loves of my life have been women.

I envy drag queens.  I love them -- their hair, their clothes, and their attitudes.  I aspire to be as comfortable being who I am and doing what I love as they are.

I am coming out as a liberal.  Obviously.  No, I'm not conservative.  There was a time when I was on the fence and identified with different issues from different angles.  Lately, I am having more and more trouble agreeing and identifying with anything and everything the Conservative Party does.  That isn't to say I agree with everything the Democrats do, but taking away basic human rights and punishing people like my loved ones with suppressive laws makes my head spin.  I cannot understand it or find any decent justification for it.

I am coming out that I believe that every person is entitled to worship in his or her own way.  I am very interested in many religions and cultures and would rather learn about them than judge them.  I believe we have more in common than most people would allow themselves to see.

My family brought me up to believe in God, follow the Bible, and declare Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  When I was a baby, I was not traditionally baptized.  I was, however, dedicated to the Lord by my parents.  I do believe that Jesus died on a cross for my sins.

However, I also believe there are many ways to fulfill a spiritual need and that need is different for everyone.

I am coming out that I would not classify myself as a traditional Christian. My spirituality is not based on only one belief system.

There is a great spiritual plan for me.

I am coming out that I am okay with people who identify themselves as Secular Humanist, Agnostic, or Atheist.

I am telling you that if Hell, as it was taught to me growing up, is real, and if sin as it was taught to me growing up is literally that, then I am going to Hell.  However, I just want to be me and to be true to what I feel inside of myself, so if that's the case, all I can do is be the best person I know how to be with integrity and honesty and face Hell willingly.

It is one thing to believe in Jesus but another to follow all the rules and let other people dictate to you who you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to believe.  That detail should be left between the individual and their god.

I am strongly coming out that I do still consider myself to be an actress.  I define that process as being a student of life and observer of people.  I analyze human behavior.  I interpret scripts, stories, and dialogue between people.  I want to share the things I learn with others.

"The word theatre comes from the Greeks. It means the seeing place. It is the place people come to see the truth about life and the social situation. The theatre is a spiritual and social X-ray of its time. The theatre was created to tell people the truth about life and the social situation."

I am emphasizing that I am a writer.  It goes along with the acting thing.  I mostly write about women and issues involving women.  My characters range from traditional white housewives to black lesbians, from little girls with irresponsible mothers to older women who discover who they really are for the first time.

I am emphasizing that I do desperately want to make a living doing what I love and what I feel I was born to do.  I feel more than anything else that I was put on this earth for that purpose.  It is my calling.  However, it is my calling whether I make money at it or not.  So no matter how unreasonable it may seem, I will continue to write and seek recognition for who I am and what I want to do.

I am coming out that I have very open-minded views about marriage.  I live with my boyfriend of 7+ years.  We would like to be married someday, but it has to be at the right time and for the right reasons for US, and if that day never comes, we will be okay.  We are only sorry that this aspect of OUR relationship causes so much concern for those we love.

I am coming out as a huge fan.  Of many things and people.  Almost everyone I know is a fan of something or someone.  I don't understand why I should feel judged for what I love when other people aren't.

I am coming out as a singer. 

I also get terrible stage fright when singing. 

I also dream of working with my favorite actresses. 

"Being brave … means that if you are scared, you do the thing you’re afraid of anyway."

I am coming out as a person who cannot tolerate injustice or abuse.  I have a really hard time watching people I love accept it.  When it is dealt to me, chances are I'm going to fight myself into a hole, tooth and nail, and once that's done I have to cut my losses and move on before things get worse. 

One of these days maybe people will stop sitting back and allowing bad things to happen to good people.

I am coming out as a potty mouth.  I control my language professionally and out of respect for other people.

I am coming out as a supporter of immigrants.  Some of the most patriotic people I have met are people who were not born in this country, but they understand the fundamental values which the United States of America were founded on when OUR ancestors came here as people who were discriminated against, fearing for their lives, servants and slaves.  They are willing to work as hard as we ask them to for the opportunity to stay here.  They know all the words of the Pledge of Allegiance, what the Statue of Liberty stands for, and the words on her plaque.  They want opportunity and liberty as much as we do.

I am most certainly coming out as a supporter of teachers and unions.  I come from the working class and I know how hard it is to be a teacher.  I know what teachers are going through right now with the recession and all that embattled public schools are demanding of them. 

As a worker, I know that companies are pushing and stretching their employees further and further to save a few dollars.  I know how exhausted, frustrated and beleaguered Americans are right now.

I am coming out as a supporter of the arts and the arts in schools.  Every person needs an outlet, a form of creativity, a way to express their individuality, or just an enhancement to the basic skills they need to know in life.  I know that debate rages, so I'll leave it at that.

And yes, I do get passionate about things that seem trivial to others.  When I do, just listen -- you might see something in a different light.

I am coming out as a person who has always been afraid to be myself, and who doesn't want to live that way anymore.  Take it or leave it.  I want to walk with my face in the sun.  I want to be honest with my family, friends, and my spiritual deity.  I want to stop being afraid to act differently, to believe differently, to disagree and voice my own opinions.

I want my soul to be comfortable in my body and my life.

So from now on, I promise to be respectful of your opinions, but to be proud of my own if they're different.  Sometimes part of respecting you will require me to step back, or keep my mouth shut, but I will no longer question my own ideals when faced with your judgments on them. 

I will no longer feel guilty when someone tries to tell me that living this way or that way is right or wrong, particularly when they have not even considered walking a mile in my shoes, and particularly when they have not paused to question me - myself - about the decisions I make. 

Your understanding of me is limited to your level of open-mindedness.  I do promise to always try to understand you and where you are coming from, and to listen, and I expect that same consideration.  We will not always agree, and I will not expect us to.  You shouldn't either.  Agreeing to disagree is more important than losing a person you love because of stubborn ways.

And yes, I am stubborn, so I may need a gentle reminder now and then of the promises I have made to you and to myself. 

Fights will happen.  But so will apologies and forgiveness, if you let them.

I have opened my heart and let you look inside.  I will always try to authentically do so, but you must understand that hearts are vulnerable and I will sometimes need to protect myself.

Most importantly, I hope that my being more open and honest will allow others that I love to live more authentically -- despite what the society they live in tells them about how to live, or believe or survive.

I am so full of love and passion and curiosity about life and the world and others.  Life is so short, but it can be a great journey, and I am so grateful to those who have allowed me into their hearts; and the best I can do is to honor them for that by aspiring to their level of unwavering love and openness.

Goodnight, Llanview.

"Goodnight hunks,

Goodnight Jessica,

Goodnight drunks,

Goodnight Todd’s body count,

Goodnight Bess,

Goodnight my bank account,

Goodnight Lords,

Goodnight Fords,

Goodnight to Llanview, one and all."

Apropos lines during 'One Life to Live' herald its cancellation

Kevin Spacey on the Survival of the Arts

Why everyone in our society should care about the survival of soap operas

(I published a more detailed version of this on my One Life to Live Examiner page.)

Here are my thoughts on the so-called impending end of daytime dramas/soap operas:

First of all, we're not too stupid to know that soap operas aren't limited to daytime programming. If you look up the definition of soap opera, it is "a television or radio drama series dealing typically with daily events in the lives of the same group of characters." They were named soap operas in the beginning because soap manufacturers sponsored them, or were their first advertisers.

Well, what do you know? Many of the hit shows during evening programming and on cable channels are soap operas, too, by definition. The only difference I, as a common viewer, note between these evening and cable shows and the daytime dramas on major networks is that not only do the daytime shows seem to have a lower production value, but they also tend to still be just slightly unbelievable.

Why the audience can believe that a drug-addicted doctor has one special patient a week that he manages to save the life of while battling his own demons, or that an antique dealer helps families by talking to ghosts, or that a writer can stumble into any murder scene and help solve it, or that a sociopathic serial killer helps save the world one murder at a time while working for the police and raising a baby … but can't believe the ludicrous things that happen on daytime soap operas … I don't know.

Maybe it is because soap operas have too many characters or jump from place to place too much? I am told that during the "glory days" of soap operas, the shows tended to focus on a few families at a time and the transitions from scene to scene were smooth, connected, and made sense. I almost find it hard to believe the fantastic idea that all the characters on these idealistic soap operas were somehow tied together in one common story as each individual character dealt with their own issues and opinions concerning that main story.

Or maybe it is because, since more people are working these days, there are less daytime viewers, so there are fewer sponsors and therefore less advertising money, and therefore less financial backing from the network and as a result a lower quality style of creating a show?

(For anyone who says it is because soaps don't tell original stories, it has been said that there is nothing original. It is all in how you tell the story.)

It is funny though, because ever since I started watching soaps and listening to what soap opera fans had to say, they have been screaming, pleading and begging for soaps to showcase less characters and stick to those few families that the show is based on -- like in the "glory days."

And since I have been watching soaps and listening to what their fans have to say, I have heard it explained numerous times from people "in the biz" that the most sought-after demographic are females age 18-49, which is also odd because … most of the soap fans I know are that age. Granted, I know of many die-hard soap viewers who have been watching since the 70s that are in their 50s and 60s, and many started watching with their grandmothers who are now in their 70s and 80s.

There is a really odd phenomenon happening here, and I have witnessed it first-hand from this side of the television screen. Soaps are going crazy to attract young females and add them to their viewership, but aren't able to keep them watching.

Here's why -- they attract them with story lines involving teenagers or with actors hired as publicity stunts. Young people tune in to see the soap opera version of a young girl not getting along with her father, a girl finding out that her parents are actually her grandparents, or to see their favorite reality TV star or pop singer step in for a couple of days. In the long run, they are confused by the way the show jumps from character to character and they realize that the person they were tuning in to see isn't even on every day -- no, not only are they not on every day, they don't even seem to matter to the show at all on the days when they aren't on! They aren't mentioned, and if their family is on without them, then that family doesn't seem to be concerned about the missing character. If, in the meantime, they become invested in a different character, the same thing happens!

This is very baffling to the 18-49 year old who may be used to watching primetime dramas with fewer characters to keep up with where families and friends matter to one another and there is a central storyline. So, they fulfill their need for drama with a cable show about a pregnant teenager or a lawyer who fights injustice in the ghetto, or if they're so inclined, a reality show where it is acceptable to act as trashy as you want because you aren't on network television in the middle of the day.

Here's the thing. The more you treat people like idiots, the more idiotic they're going to be. The less they have to think for themselves or form their own opinions about the events unfolding in front of them, the dumber and trashier our society is going to be.

States are already cutting so much funding to schools that the Arts are disappearing from education, and the federal government right now is trying to eliminate funding for free public television (also known as PBS) where you can tune in for educational programming, geographic shows, historic documentaries, cooking shows, concerts, travel shows … you name it … without having to pay for that cable channel or watch advertisements.

Every great leader - political, religious or business-oriented - throughout history has known this simple fact -- the stupider the general population is, the easier it will be to get them to buy into whatever you tell them or want them to believe. Societies have fallen because of it; genocide has occurred because of it; people have willingly committed suicide because of it. There are many great tragedies throughout the history of humanity in which people blindly accepted the influence of their leaders.

Now, networks want to replace daytime soap operas with talk shows, game shows, and reality shows. To them, it is just good business. Those shows are cheaper to produce on so many levels, so they are much more profitable. They can take that money that they would have given to an entire cast and crew of people or spent on props, paint, costumes and on-location shoots, and instead just pay a guy with a microphone and his crew and use the exact same set every day. I'm no television expert but I can easily understand how that works.

So, you see, this isn't just about daytime television. That's just the front line right now. Eventually this problem of having nothing to watch but reality shows and human competitions will be everywhere. You can already see it happening now.

Yes, it is hilarious when some idiot jumps off of a two story ledge and bounces off of a giant rubber ball and lands in a 5 foot deep mud puddle only to get up and repeat the process because he thinks he can improve his technique! Yes, watching celebrities discuss why they won't eat at a certain restaurant or deliberate over whether they should buy that $1,000 dinner china or try to rescue their cat from some predicament that the cat obviously prefers to be in … is riveting. But after the show is over, what do we have to show for it?

While soaps have been adapting and adapting again in order to ensure their survival, I am afraid they have been doing the opposite.

We, the television audience, would like the networks to recognize that we are not a stupid people. We value the Arts and we have pride in our country and the products that are produced here -- whether that be the items that are advertised by the sponsors, or the shows themselves. Like fans of a sports team, like members of a church, like unionized workers -- there is a reason we identify with and align ourselves with certain shows, characters and actors, and proudly proclaim our loyalty.

So while, yes, we may stop channel surfing to see what the topic of the day is on a talk show or to find out if the schmuck will risk $10,000 on something completely up to chance, we actually desire to have a connection to something that makes us think and feel deeply and want to be committed to.

Soap operas are an American legacy - like baseball or TV itself. The tradition of soap operas is actually older than television, and these shows have retained fans for years upon years while other shows and other genres fell by the way. The really special ones have even managed to meet the financial demands of the networks and survive recessions while repeatedly adapting to ensure their survival.

Not only that, but they have retained the loyalty of their best actors. Many of the actors on daytime dramas are multiple award-winning actors -- and we're not just talking about daytime Emmys. Many people in these casts also appear on and off Broadway, in independent and big-budget films, and on other network shows.

Will these extremely talented actors be able to survive in their careers without soaps? Of course they will! They stay in the genre because it offers something unique to them, and they consider themselves honored and lucky to be a part of it.

Will America be able to survive without soaps? Of course it will -- but it won't be the same. The end of soaps is synonymous with ending Arts education in our schools. It is a matter of the level of intelligence in our society and what we have to be proud of as a people.

When a family member visits your hometown or city, which product of society do you show them? You could take them to the pool at the nifty new motel in town, or you could take them to historical landmarks with significant meaning, something beautiful in your geography, or something truly incredible and aesthetically pleasing that man has managed to introduce to the landscape. In our country, do we want to be proud of the products on our television screens or just be happy that we have something on them that can make us smile for a half-hour?

That isn't just a question for the daytime viewers. We already know their answer. That's a question for our leaders, the networks, the people who influence how things are done, and everyone else we know.

20 Seconds

I just want you to watch the first twenty seconds of this clip of One Life to Live.  That's all I ask.

Now, let me tell you what I see from an acting perspective.  These are things that make perfect sense, but since I was specifically taught these things by my teachers and mentors, they are blatant to me.

In the first second of the video, we see Dorian in the middle of thought, moving to do something specific -- what that specific thing is, we as the audience don't know.  Then the doorbell rings.  There is an entire thought process that plays out before our eyes in one exact second.

It reminded me of watching Kate Mulgrew at "Hollywood Speaks at the Adler," captivating young fans and acting students with tales of her experiences as a young actress and the wisdoms imparted to her by her teacher (Stella Adler).  There are many stories and a lot of advice that stick out in my head from that day -- like the one about her matriarchal teacher pulling her across the stage by her hair, or the lesson about looking out the window and dying inside as a man walks away -- but the one I am reminded of in this quick second of One Life to Live is the advice that you should never just walk onto a stage or make an entrance.

You're always going somewhere -- doing something.  There's always an inner thought process.  You can't find your keys.  You forgot to turn off the lamp.  You need to make an important phone call.  In Dorian's case, she is fretting over the kidnapping of her nieces, helplessly stuck at home trying to coordinate volunteers, family members, and the police with only her technology -- a computer and the phone.  (In a later episode, as she waits by the phone, a visitor -- Viki -- points out that she is all alone.  She has her phone but no human consolation.)  What goes through the character's mind as she turns back to her desk is something only the actress really knows.  (How wonderful to know something that intimate!)

It reminds me of Kate Mulgrew's demonstration.  She left the stage in the middle of her talk -- off stage right through the door of the set of a play that would be happening later.  Then, it became her door.  She walked halfway through, turned back, disappeared again, reappeared, fiddled with something out of sight, completely distracted, continued onto the stage (or into the room), kept looking back, not watching where she was going, and eventually turned back to her audience and pointed out something to the effect of, Wasn't that much more interesting?

We had no idea what imaginary thing she was fiddling with on the other side of her door as she entered.  Maybe the hall light wouldn't turn off?  Maybe she was straightening a shelf or table that was cluttered?  Maybe she was trying to keep another person or animal out of the room?  Maybe she hung her coat up, turned the light off, squashed a bug on the wall, and then heard a noise?  Who knows!?

In that one second of this television show, was Dorian going to make a phone call to the police commissioner?  Read the MyFace statuses of her nieces' friends?  Send another email to her constituents and contacts?  Give instructions to the people manning the tip hotline?  Check the website of a local newspaper or television station?

Oh!  There's the doorbell.

Fourteen seconds after her initial thought, she is answering the door and squinting as she is blinded by the flash of a camera in her face.  She's not too awfully surprised by this, because she is the mayor and she did run a somewhat controversial campaign that received a lot of media attention (a year ago).  While she is still recovering from the flash, she is told to "say cheese," and she looks back at the photographer.

In the 17th and 18th second of the video, the photographer lowers her camera and Dorian is able to get her first glimpse of the face behind it.

And in that 18th second, we have another one-second piece of brilliance.  Dorian sees the face of her photographer and it is very apparent and clear to the audience that there is a glimmer of recognition.  She has seen that face before.

Let me tell you about the whole seven seconds between Dorian swinging open the door and that moment of recognition from the perspective of an acting student.

First of all, when Dorian opens the door, the fact that there might be a camera on the other side of it is the last thing on her mind.  This is obvious by the way she is caught off guard by the flash and has to recover.  The actress knows that there is a brief blindness after the flash as the human pupils adjust and readjust to the light.

The photographer says, "Say cheese!" which prompts Dorian to look back up at the camera.  She is still dazed, like it or not, and by the time her senses recover the camera is already covering the face of the photographer again.  The actress knows that the character still isn't sure who, exactly, is standing at her door.  There is another thought process in itself.

Finally, the camera is lowered and Dorian is able to see who is taking her picture.  Before the scene changes, she takes a moment of realization and begins to draw conclusions as to why someone is photographing her.  In one second.

The character, though she has seen the person behind the camera before, and though she has been standing before her for several seconds, does not show any sign of recognition or realization until the specific second when the camera is lowered and the face is revealed.

Here's a really cool thought:  Very few actors are able to play the same character for the span of time that a soap opera actor is able to.  However, it is every actor's duty to know whatever character they play, for however short their period of time together is, intimately.  When the actor steps into the character, when the character "takes over," if the actor has done their homework and truly knows their character, all of the character's responses and gestures come naturally -- without a thought or effort.

The actress doesn't have to say to herself, Okay, I have to act this way now, because my character is thinking about this other thing. It just happens because the actress has stepped out of the way and the character is now living in that magical other world that only comes to life when the actor allows it to.

(Here is a more complete version of the clip above.)

Gloria Stuart

I just want to take a moment to acknowledge Gloria Stuart at her passing.

I don't think she was really a household name at all, but mention "Old Rose" from Titanic and almost everyone knows who you are talking about. (Those are usually the type of actresses I tend to admire.)

I don't want to focus on the fact that she played a supporting role in that 1997 film (over 10 years ago!) but I have to draw a comparison between the movie and what Gloria Stuart represents to me.

I went to see Titanic with my grandparents and my cousin on New Year's Eve, late in the evening. Since the movie ran for over three hours, it was 1998 by the time we stepped out of the theatre. I have seen Titanic since then, but believe me, you can't really fully appreciate Titanic (or many other movies of that proportion) unless you see it FULL SIZE - in the theater, with only the light of what is happening on the screen before you and the sounds surrounding you.

We laughed at the funny parts, gasped at the scary parts, and cried like babies during the tragic and heartbreaking parts. As we left the theatre we discussed the movie and traded our experiences.

THAT is what great movies should do to people.

As I said, I don't want to focus on the fact that Gloria Stuart played the storyteller in that movie, because that particular moment in her career should not be what defines it. I do remember watching the Oscars that year (Titanic swept, by the way) and feeling such great respect and admiration for the oldest actress ever nominated for an Academy Award. To me, that proved that you are never too old to do what you love.

Recently, I've had to amend that lesson:

You're never too old to keep doing what you love.

You see, Gloria Stuart was always an actress, and she was in some pretty recognizable movies besides Titanic. It is just that our current generation has lost touch with the mystique of her era. We look back with awe at movies like Gone with the Wind and those great old classic Hollywood musicals and wonder from a distance what it must have been like to be part of that glamour and magic. I read autobiographies of actresses and see scenes like Katharine Hepburn running into Ginger Rogers and it is like some surreal, distant fiction - too good to be true. I look at old black and white photos of studio gatherings, parties, or movie sets and it doesn't feel like I'm looking back a generation or two. It feels like I'm looking at another time and another world.

(And maybe that's why movies like Titanic are that fascinating. They aspire to that level of Hollywood greatness.)

I have heard more than one actor complain that Wikipedia is grossly inaccurate, but I have to say it may be one of the best resources for finding out information - in a general sense if not an accurate one - about people we wouldn't otherwise be able to research without considerable effort. Gloria Stuart's page on the encyclopedia gives you the sense of who she was and what she meant to Hollywood.

Movie roles aside, Gloria Stuart, it says, was born in Santa Monica - not far from Hollywood. Several people in her family were accomplished in their own careers. It says she dropped out of Berkeley to get married, and was not only active in theatre, but in the world of art, and knew several prominent artists. It also features a picture of her with the other "WAMPAS Baby Stars" in 1932 (seen above).

(WAMPAS is the Western Association of Motion Picture Advertisers who picked starlets every year and introduced them at a grand party. More info HERE and HERE.)

Her Wikipedia article also claims she was a founding member of the Screen Actors Guild.  However, the article for SAG says she was one of the members who was especially supportive in the early years (and not necessarily a founder).  Stuart was an activist and surely played a key role in actors having the rights they do in their workplaces today.

(A side note:  She apparently also volunteered to join the French Resistance around the time of World War II, when she and her second husband were visiting France, but was turned down.  She ended up taking singing lessons and entertaining troops.)

Still active in the art world, she also owned her own shop and later created artists' books, some of which ended up in the Metropolitan Museum, Library of Congress, J. Paul Getty Museum, and Bibliothèque nationale de France, to name a few places.

Two lines stand out to me in the whole article.

• "Stuart was a versatile female lead, but was never given the roles that would make her a major star, a source of great frustration."

• "Stuart died in her sleep on September 26, 2010 at the age of 100, due to respiratory failure."

She wrote an autobiography -- I Just Kept Hoping.  It has just been added to my list!  I will always look up to Gloria Stuart.  She did what she loved wholeheartedly, tirelessly, endlessly.

Recommended:  "Gloria Stuart, an Actress Rediscovered Late, Dies at 100" By ALJEAN HARMETZ and ROBERT BERKVIST on NYTimes.com

The King of the Swingers

Musician Louis Prima always put thought, heart, and a lot of fun into his concerts, inspiring acts by other performers for years following.  His on-stage banter with his wife would find its influence in acts starring Sonny and Cher and Bruce Springsteen.  His willingness to adapt kept Louis Prima and his band popular for decades.

His songs included many that are still popular in soundtracks, band performances, and classic venues, such as "Sing, Sing, Sing," "Jump, Jive An' Wail," "Buona Sera," and "Just a Gigolo," to name a few.  In 1967, Louis Prima provided the voice for Disney's swinging King Louie in The Jungle Book.

In this rare clip about the song, viewers are able to glimpse how much energy went into a performance, whether on stage or in a recording studio:  Click here.

Read Louis Prima's story on Wikipedia

The Official Web Site of Louis Prima

One Life, Many Voices

One Life, Many Voices One Life, Many Voices started with a simple idea -- to compile an album to honor the people and places affected by Hurricane Katrina, and to donate the proceeds from sales of the CD to help fund and rebuild the arts in those areas.  Though it has been over four years and the nation's focus may have shifted to more recent disasters, OLMV has not forgotten their commitment and continues to make donations of art, music and scholarships to the people, schools, and venues that are still recovering from the Katrina disaster.  Please click here to learn more about their work and efforts.

Do-It-Yourself Fashion and Clothing Repairs

If you have ever wanted to be a do-it-yourself costumer or fashionista?  While sewing and design may be an art form, there are small, simple things you can do to create your own attire.  Put your best foot forward by making sure your clothing always fits and reflects your style.  Save yourself some money by learning to make simple repairs and alterations; and create your own clothes.

About.com has a great Do-It-Yourself Fashion section by Lorain Blanken that is consistently updated.  The site features Rain's DIY Fashion Blog, tips for crafting your own accessories, instructions for making your own clothing and costumes, beginner projects, and how to make your own bags, accessories, and jewelry.

Whether or not you choose to use the free sewing patterns, handmade gift ideas, or designs for spicing up existing items, you can definitely draw inspiration from the pages of tips, tricks, pictures, and patterns; and learn how to fix and maintain the clothes you'd like to keep around.

DIY Fashion at About.com

The Grand Tradition

Don't forget to check out Oscar.com for videos, fashion, lists of nominees and winners, and the very significant acceptance speeches from a historical night of recognition!  Highly recommended!

Let's Talk About Betty White

After the world watched Betty White and Abe Vigoda play tackle football in a candy bar commercial during the Super Bowl -- specifically the best commercial that aired during the event (according to USA TODAY's Ad Meter) -- everyone was talking about her.

Of course, the actress most commonly recognized as Rose Nylund from The Golden Girls has never stopped acting.  Her recent appearances on Ugly Betty, Craig Ferguson, The Bold and the Beautiful, and Boston Legal are just a few of the many places television audiences have seen her lately.  She is also widely known for her roles on Mama's Family and Mary Tyler Moore.  Some generations even remember watching her in the early '50s series, Life with Elizabeth, for which she won an Emmy in 1951.

When Diane Sawyer recently interviewed Betty White about the Facebook campaign to have her host Saturday Night Live, Betty White joked that her supporters "just dig old ladies."

It is more likely that fans dig great comediennes that have been a hot act for over 60 years; but although her reputation as a comedic genius precedes her, Betty White is also a very multidimensional actress who is just as capable of making you cry as laugh.  Throughout the years, even in sitcoms, she has been given the opportunity to display this talent with characters that people identify with and care deeply about.

"Don't call it a comeback. Betty White has been here for years," says Jenei Osterheldt in her commentary in the San Jose Mercury News ("Betty White is the right 'Girl' for 'Saturday Night Live'").  "...I don't think this White frenzy is a new thing. Instead, I think it's a result of having developed a lifetime of fans, young and old."

Betty White, whose television career actually began in 1949, was honored with a Screen Actors Guild Lifetime Achievement Award in January and was greeted on-stage with a standing ovation from the audience.  Having just turned 88, and with a new movie about to be released, she said of the award, "This is the highest point of my entire professional life."

• "Betty White's Hilarious, Touching SAG Award" The Huffington Post, January 24, 2010
• "Betty White on Her 'SNL' Supporters: 'They Just Dig Old Ladies'" by Dave Itzkoff, ArtsBeat - The New York Times, February 18, 2010
• Betty White on IMDb (The Internet Movie Database)

That's Entertainment!

The term "triple threat" is thrown around in this day and age to describe a multi-talented person.  In the entertainment world, the word is used to describe a performer who can sing, act, and dance.

While the "triple threat" may be a unique talent in today's entertainment world, in Hollywood's "Golden Age" it was not uncommon for performers to be multi-talented.

Here to demonstrate the classic "multiple threat" is Ray Bolger, in the movie Stage Door Canteen.  In just over six riveting minutes, he acts, sings, dances, and makes people laugh.  Now that's an entertainer.

"This is not a 'course in drama.'  It is a course in opening up the vastness in you as a human being... There is no other way to grow except through an art form today.  A few hundred years ago, maybe religion could do it.  But today, only the art form is able to stretch a human being so he can measure up to his potential to grow and grow and understand himself and his life until the end.  We are here to get that."

- Stella Adler

I need a cookie!

So I'm trying to follow this writing schedule I made and started on my birthday.  I'm not doing bad so far, except that I am completely uninspired to write the inspirational articles that pay the most.  And there is one blog I'm not even working on until the beginning of March.

Working this hard just makes me want more credit though.  And when I don't get it, I'm really frustrated.  And then I have to go read some Rilke -- Letters to a Young Poet -- to make myself feel better.

What am I doing wrong?  Really?  Am I going to end up being one of those poor artists that can never figure out how to succeed and is never recognized?

If that's it....  Great.  Seriously.  If I can't spill my thoughts and emotions in an art form as a life project, then I can't bear the thought of floating through life just trying to get through the day-to-day.

Okay, on a happy note!  The boyfriend and I made delicious snicker-doodles today.  We both worked in the kitchen together and it turned out okay!  And I didn't burn myself or cause any major messes or accidents!  However, since I was involved in the cookie making process, I didn't get any wonderful pictures to post.

And here are some quotes for you:

"This is not a 'course in drama.'  It is a course in opening up the vastness in you as a human being...There is no other way to grow except through an art form today.  A few hundred years ago, maybe religion could do it.  But today, only the art form is able to stretch a human being so he can measure up to his potential to grow and grow and understand himself and his life until the end.  We are here to get that."  Stella Adler

"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.  If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth, will destroy you."  The Gnostic Gospels

"Ever since there have been men, man has given himself over to too little joy. That alone, my brothers, is our original sin. I should believe only in a God who understood how to dance." Henri Matisse

Know Thyself

When Barry Paris met with Stella Adler about her book, Stella Adler on Ibsen Strindberg and Chekhov, they chatted about what playwrights would be included in her book and discussed her background.  When Stella Adler pointed out that her parents and grandparents were from Odessa, Barry Paris enthusiastically informed her that they shared a common heritage.

She became emotional, as he writes in the preface of the book:

"Suddenly, the big eyes that hadn't left mine got bigger and watery.  Her benign conversational smile vanished.  She held out her hand in the traffic cop's firm palm-up signal of 'Halt!'  What the hell had I said?  I was riveted with alarm to that dramatic hand in the dramatic pause before her dramatic whisper:

'Stop --- don't make me cry!'

I replayed it many times on my tape recorder and in my mind, wondering if the tragic tone was real or theatrical, before figuring out it was a precisely equal combination of both.  Alone with an audience of one or onstage before hundreds, Stella Adler gave the same performance:  Emotion was something felt, not faked.  'Real' and 'theatrical' must be the same."

In these three paragraphs in the preface of a much larger and more educational book, we can take a great lesson.

First of all, it is important to note that the common connection between Adler and her editor dramatically changed the tone of their conversation.  Why?  Because Stella Adler was keenly aware of and emotionally attached to who she was.  Odessa is a city steeped in history and she came from its people.  She was proud of her roots and would happily proclaim them.  When Adler starred in the movie Love on Toast, her name was credited as "Ardler."  After that movie, she stuck to her original name.

In order to fully function as a human and an actress, Stella Adler had to know exactly who she was and why she was that person.  It wasn't a matter of "inventing" herself or "molding" herself into the person she wanted to be, and it didn't start with her first independent thought or action.  It went back generations, like links in a chain or cause and effect.  Her heritage is why she ended up where she was, when she did, and why she became the person she ended up being.

No person just appears one day.  People and circumstances influence us all, and those influences provoke us to respond both in action and emotionally.

It is hard to wrap our minds around Paris' observation that "real" and "theatrical" must be the same, but the line before it explains.  "Emotion was something felt, not faked."  What he is trying to convey is that Stella Adler was completely genuine, and she allowed herself to feel her emotions deeply.

That was why it was important to her to pick apart the play and analyze the actions of the characters.  It was not simply technical work.  She had to know where they were coming from, what influenced them, and why they reacted to things the way they did.  By understanding the character, and putting herself in their place, she could feel the same emotions they would.  She lived and breathed her characters.  On stage, her actions and emotions were genuine.  She never had to "act" or "pretend" or "fake."

The phrase "know thyself" applies.  After all, if you cannot identify your own characteristics, flaws, motivations, and emotions, how can you be expected to sympathize with others?  To many, emotions are a sign of weakness.  We are conditioned to keep check on them.  For many of us, we instinctively want to hold back tears during the sad part of a movie or turn a cold shoulder to a painful situation rather than feel the hurt it caused.

To be an actor, we have to explore why we behave this way, and allow ourselves to not only understand why we are who we have become, but also to feel and respond from our very nature.  Then, not only do we sympathize and empathize with others on a very human level, but we are able to understand the motivations of our characters, and live in them.

The Harbor At Odessa On The Black Sea by Ivan Constantinovich Aivazovsky

"Don't even go if you're not bringing your A-game."

I'm going to hold off on posting last night's dinner for now because my last post was all pictures, and I've found something else I want to talk about anyway.

We Love Soaps is publishing an article about actress Constance Ford's influence on Robin Strasser, one of daytime's greatest actresses.  (No joke.  As judged by a panel of soap experts.)

When I read it, it really struck me, because of this:

"I was taken to her immediately but it was not in the sense of feeling oh-so-secure, safe, or heaven forbid, complacent. I sensed immediately that only my "A" game [would be acceptable]. To this day I’m that kind of person. You show up, but don’t even go if you’re not bringing your A-game. Her standards were extremely high.

"It took a long time...[pause] I’m going to get emotional...for me to figure out how much she really cared about me. Not because she wasn’t nice. But I guess in a sense she was bringing me up correctly. She had to teach me everything without seeming to be taking me by the hand or lecturing me. I was playing her daughter. Connie taught me everything I know about daytime acting. On some level I didn’t even know it was happening....

"...I just adored her. She taught me how to work. She would never have accepted anything but my being a hard worker. I’m so fortunate because that was my calling anyway—to take it very very seriously and to give it my all. How lucky I am that the universe sent me Constance Ford to me as my creative and professional mother."

We Love Soaps told Robin Strasser, "Many of your co-stars have described you in the same way, they can only bring their A-game into a scene with you."

And she answered, "Well, then I’m mightily flattered. If it means I can honor, if I can channel Connie, I’m moved to tears."

Which is funny, because if you read the comments to the article, a lot of people say that reading it moved them to tears for some reason or another.

For me, it was because I completely identified with that desire to work really really hard and always bring my absolute A-game.

When I was going to Stella Adler Academy, I set up an appointment to meet with the school's director, Irene Gilbert.  I was concerned because I was drinking in all these things I was hearing and reading from Stella Adler's students about how hard she made them work and how demanding she was, and I didn't feel that anyone was demanding that level of performance from me in class.

Irene knew who my first acting techniques teacher had been and encouraged me to give my new techniques teacher a try before I decided to be so frustrated.  I believe I was the first one Tim McNeil put on stage in that class.  He gave me a book and told me to create a scene and perform one of the poems in it.  I don't even remember what the poem was or who wrote it!  I was terrified.

So, I created the scene.  I'm pretty sure I was kneeling at a grave, talking to ... a dead husband? ... family member? ... child?  I can picture this hill, with grasses blowing and sky.  The air was chilly, and I think I may have even had a little mud, brick, or stone wall in there somewhere?  (It must have been an Irish or British poet?)  Anyway, I kept reading this poem.

And Tim kept trying to get me to stop reading the poem.  He was trying to get me to understand that the words weren't important.  And the more times I read the poem, the more frustrated he got with me.

Eventually, he took the book away from me, which confused the life out of me, and told me to perform it.  I don't remember what I did or said -- I think I was kind-of shaken up by then -- but I know I was confused because I didn't know how I was supposed to perform a poem that I didn't know the words to! He actually threw the book from where he was standing in the room, over my head, into the back wall of the stage.  He was emphasizing, dramatically, demandingly, that it wasn't about the words!

Well, I was desperate, so I just turned to that grave and started talking, and trying to basically convey the same thing the poem was.  I was nervous, pained, maybe even stuttering.  I don't know.  But that satisfied Tim.

And I was satisfied, because I got what he was saying.  No, it wasn't a good performance at all.  It sucked.  But I learned something, and he had demanded that I learn it, even if he had to be mean about it.

He would sometimes get that way, but he was an awesome awesome teacher.  I'd love to go back now and sit with him and pick his mind in a big, deep acting discussion.  I don't remember him ever getting that frustrated with me again, and I still wonder if he only did that because Irene told him to make an impression on me or something.  After that, I only ever remember getting advice, direction, and compliments when I was on stage.  Maybe he sensed that, in a way, I was as frustrated as he was.

I am still frustrated.  Elizabeth tried to find that full potential in my singing.  She would never let me make excuses, and when I got stage fright and my voice shook, she sat and watched me like it was the most beautiful thing in the world.  I knew it was terrible, that all techniques and emotion had gone out the window, but her goal was just to get me back up there in front of everyone with no excuses.  I adored her.  I don't know if I would have survived coming back to Indiana if I hadn't found her waiting there.  Our friendship was way, way too short.  

I would love to find someone like that again, and it makes me sad.  I know where I belong in life, and I know my potential.  I would like to have an opportunity to fulfill it, and I would like to meet more people who understand that part of my life and won't let me accept less of myself.

When I'm hard on other people, that's really why, because I only want them to see the best in themselves and fulfill it, and I get really frustrated that people don't try to do that -- or even want to try.

Where is the hole that my peg fits in?  I need to try to fulfill my potential every day.  I want to.  I want to overcome my weaknesses, fears, and vulnerabilities.  I want to have those friends around me who understand me and push me -- hard.  I want a mentor like that.  

I want to be that to other people, too.

That's why I was so moved by Robin Strasser's words about Constance Ford.  I understood them, deeply, inexplicably.  I don't know if I will ever find another person like that in my life, and that makes me so sad, because I know they are out there.  I don't want those lessons to be over forever.  I crave them.

But, I know I'll be okay either way.  And just maybe someday I'll be able to help someone else "get it."

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Be Here Now

Did you ever run across a work of art, a song, or an acting performance that moved you so much that you almost felt compelled to turn away from it because it was so powerful?  It made you feel something so deep and so personal that you almost couldn't stand it?

I've been moved pretty easily for the last few days -- I'm just in a heightened emotional state and I'm inspired by things because of it.

Today I heard a song I'd never heard before -- actually, I saw a video someone had made with it.  Because I don't want to have to explain the complexities of what the video meant to me right now and because there is a particular topic I'd like to avoid in this post, I'm going to stick to talking about the song.

The song is called "Be Here Now" by Ray LaMontagne.  In addition to the lyrics, which I am about to talk about, the music is absolutely gorgeous.  It is like stopping in a still moment to listen to yourself breathe and hearing music instead.

I had a very dear friend waiting for me when I came back from California.  I didn't know her at the time, but she was there for a reason, and ended up being a godsend.  I miss her terribly.

Elizabeth saw my potential because she knew me without my even having to explain myself.  She had studied at Julliard, taught music to deaf children, mingled with celebrities, performed as an opera singer, and had even been in a movie called (I think) "Under White Sails."  (I can't find any information about this movie but I did get to see pictures of this event in her life at her funeral.)

Elizabeth had been in the Air Force and lived most of her life as a pastor's wife.  That's how this beautiful, talented, wise woman ended up in my backyard.  She wanted to know about me, she shared my dreams for the future, she tried to help me think of ways to reach my goals, she listened intently when I shared my experiences -- particularly when they involved music or theatre -- and she tried her darndest to coach me in singing and help me get over my stage fright.  I didn't know it at first, but I really really needed her at that time in my life, and it just so happened that she had somehow wound up in a little town in rural Indiana -- my home.

Most importantly, she taught me that it was okay to be at home.  The greatest lesson she gave me at that time was that I should just settle and not struggle -- not settle for anything less, but just be calm and let my life move forward as it was supposed to, taking the time to learn my lessons and smell my roses rather than trying to force my way through everything.  I don't think she knew she taught me this.

I have been through a lot since her personal battle and death that I wish I could talk to her about -- most importantly my current inspirations and dreams, and the fact that I have realized over the last year that I have a very great struggle that I need to overcome -- that stage fright is the least of my fears that are holding me back.

The wonderful thing about realizing you have a problem is that when you do, you are suddenly enabled to attempt to overcome it.

I am trying, now that I'm able to, and it is certainly an uphill battle.  Sometimes when I feel like I'm succeeding, there is a whole section of the battlefield I've neglected to notice and conquer and I fall back.

Today, in church, I was inspired to realize that I have to be ready, when my door of opportunity opens, to walk through it.  I can't think twice.  When I get a chance to do something, I have to jump at it, grab it, seize the opportunity, take it, make it mine -- with no hesitation.

Hesitation is something that is easy to do when you are a 'fraidy cat.  Life is just one big hesitation.

And I realize that if I expect a door to open, I have to be at a point in my life -- mentally, emotionally, and spiritually -- to walk through it.  So I have to get ready, right now.  No hesitation.  I can't concentrate on this tomorrow.  If the sky opens up and a miracle falls into my lap in the middle of the night, I need to know where my shoes are.  You know what I mean?

Then I came home this afternoon and heard this song.

Don't let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don't try
Don't let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there's a strength that lies

Don't let your soul get lonely child
It's only time, it will go by
Don't look for love in faces, places
It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Doesn't that just say it all?

I have been weary and confused.  My heart has been heavy.  I have been lonely, and I have been missing old places and faces -- and wishing for new ones, throwing myself into daydreams about things I don't know how to accomplish.  It is absolutely true that you cannot trust your walls of safety and protection.  I love my walls.  I hide behind my walls.  And they do crush -- devastatingly.

But if I am aware of here and now, I can be ready for tomorrow.  So, if you are are like me, screw your courage to the sticking post and keep your shoes by your bed.  Be ready.

One thing I've done differently this time than in the past -- I have not lost faith.  In fact, I've searched for more.

"Inside you there's a strength that lies ... It's only time, it will go by ... It's in you, that's where you'll find kindness ... Don't lose faith in me and I will try not to lose faith in you ... Be here now."

Lois Smith and Connecticut Theatre

Today I read a great article about Lois Smith (from the Hartford Courant) and linked it on Find Your Light (my blog about the acting world).  Not only is Lois Smith one of the most recognized actresses that you probably don't know the name of, she is one of my very favorites.

I first really noticed Lois Smith in the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie, Skylark, which was the second of two Sarah, Plain and Tall movies starring Glenn Close and Christopher Walken (another two of my favorites). After I knew who she was, I saw her everywhere.

My favorite Lois Smith movies (so far) are Skylark, Fried Green Tomatoes, and Twister.  Minority Report wasn't one of my favorite movies but despite her brief appearance in that movie, I was seriously disappointed when she was not nominated for an Academy Award.  She was brilliant in that movie -- mysterious and surprising.  I had mostly seen her in more ... up-front roles -- what you see is what you get.

In the Courant article, Lois Smith talked about how she is grateful that she's had a very versatile career but sometimes hears people say that she plays "rural American" parts, when anyone who has followed her knows she is capable of playing more urban roles.  Green Card is one example.  Or Aunt Betsy on One Life to Live.  (You knew I'd bring that show up somehow, didn't you?)

I was happy to read about Lois Smith, her current play, and the history of her career.  She is a truly fascinating actress and I am so glad that she is very appreciated.

On a side note, Connecticut is a great place to see plays.  That is where I saw Tea at Five -- a play about Katharine Hepburn starring Kate Mulgrew.  (Mulgrew is another one of those actresses you'd probably recognize but might not know the name of.  Look her up!  Coincidentally, Mulgrew and Smith have worked together at least once -- in the reading of a play.)  Frank Rizzo, who wrote the article about Lois Smith, has a blog -- "Behind the Curtain" on Connecticut's Stages.

Check out "The Multidimensional Career of Lois Smith," by Frank Rizzo, Hartford Courant, January 10.