Authentic Me Coming Out

I would like to attempt to live a more honest life, a more open life, and a more loving life.  How can I live life to the fullest if I am not an open and honest person about who I am - not only with myself, but also with those I love?  And how can I love someone to the fullest if there is not open communication between us -- if they do not know who I am and what I stand for, and if I keep that from them?  How can I live up to my full potential to be the greatest human being I can be if I am not comfortable in my own skin and walk each day in fear of being judged or abandoned by those whose opinions matter most to me?

 

The Human Rights Campaign's resource guide to "coming out" opens with this line:

 

"Being brave doesn’t mean that you’re not scared. It means that if you are scared, you do the thing you’re afraid of anyway."

 

This is such a strong statement to me.  I am a three-plus generation "agoraphobe."  I put that in quotations because it has never been diagnosed in my family, but agoraphobia involves repeated attacks of fear or anxiety, fear of being unable to escape a situation, and fear of being outside or alone outside.  Agoraphobic people tend to be homebodies and depend on others.  They feel uncomfortable in certain (sometimes specific) public situations.  All of this describes certain unnamed members of my family and certain symptoms they have handed down to me.

 

So, you see, I know something about being afraid and having to be brave.  And it is VERY hard to do -- whether physically or emotionally.

 

The guide goes on to state, "There is no one right or wrong way to come out.  It’s a lifelong process of being ever more open and true with yourself and others — done in your own way and in your own time."

 

Now that's personal.  As a writer and "student of life," one of my greatest life philosophies is something Stella Adler said.  "This is not a 'course in drama.'  It is a course in opening up the vastness in you as a human being...There is no other way to grow except through an art form today.  A few hundred years ago, maybe religion could do it.  But today, only the art form is able to stretch a human being so he can measure up to his potential to grow and grow and understand himself and his life until the end.  We are here to get that."

 

That IS my life's goal.  To "open up the vastness" in me as a human being, and to "grow and grow and understand myself and my life until the end," and not just my own, but through that growth, to understand the human experience -- to live the lives of my fellow humans. Susannah Grant said, "Writing is the way to cheat the rule that says you have only one life to live."  I completely agree.

 

But, then, how can I live those lives and understand life completely if I am holding myself back?  I don't think I can, and I don't think I want to anymore.

 

In that way, I very deeply identify with my LGBT friends who "make deeply personal decisions to be open about who we are with ourselves and others -- even when it isn't easy."  And I envy those of them who do, for their ability to walk around in life with the sun on their face, not hiding who they truly are and what they honestly feel within themselves.

 

And before you say, "That's their business!  I don't need to know!" I would strongly encourage you to have a look at the section on "Deciding to Tell Others" in the Human Rights Campaign's guide to coming out.  Perhaps then you would better understand why it is important for you to know the deeply personal truth.

 

It is about being honest and authentic.  We are taught a lot of things about what is right and wrong growing up, and for many of us, it doesn't feel good to conceal something, particularly if it is about who we are. 

 

When I was waiting tables, the thing I hated most of all was having to flash fake smiles at customers for tips.  Why couldn't it be okay to smile at them when I wanted to smile at them instead of having to smile and pretend everything was okay even when the customer really wasn't being decent to me?  It made me feel like I was selling my smiles -- like I didn't value my own integrity or myself.

 

I feel horrible for anyone who feels like they can't live a life where they are true to themselves and others, or anyone who hates what they do or is unhappy but has to keep pretending things are okay in order to survive.  It is a terrible, awful feeling and it really does cause a person to question what the point of life is if we can't be happy just being who we are.

 

But "coming out" isn't just about feeling good -- it is about sorting out the people who we can count on, who really love us no matter what.  If I love you, I want you to know the real me.  If you love the real me, then our love is real.  If you can't love the real me for who she is, then our relationship was obviously on shaky ground to start with.  I don't want that.  So I have to tell the truth.

 

Joe Solmonese, the Human Rights Campaign President, put it like this:

 

"More than anything else, I think the thing that drives each of us to come out is an intensely human desire to be known and loved authentically for who we are.  That is something everyone can relate to — and something we should celebrate and honor in one another."

 

No, I am not building up to a big reveal about my sexual orientation.  But I deeply identify with my LGBT friends who have to decide whether they will come out, how and when and where they will come out and to whom. 

 

It is an absolutely terrifying thought that people you love might not love you back anymore if they find out who you really are and what you really believe and stand for.  It leaves a sickening pit in one's stomach.

 

And that's not even worrying about everyday friends.  Friends are people you plan to be able to count on or fall back on when you can't go to your family about something, but what if you yank the rug out from under them, too? 

 

I am afraid that I have not been openly supportive enough of my own gay friends when they came out to me or dropped hints about their orientation, and I am saddened every day at the thought that my own casual attitude about it might have actually driven them further from me instead of making them feel accepted.

 

I am coming out as a straight supporter.

I am coming out as a woman who will tell you she understands how close two females can be and how much they can love each other, whether straight or gay.

Some of the greatest loves of my life have been women.

I envy drag queens.  I love them -- their hair, their clothes, and their attitudes.  I aspire to be as comfortable being who I am and doing what I love as they are.

I am coming out as a liberal.  Obviously.  No, I'm not conservative.  There was a time when I was on the fence and identified with different issues from different angles.  Lately, I am having more and more trouble agreeing and identifying with anything and everything the Conservative Party does.  That isn't to say I agree with everything the Democrats do, but taking away basic human rights and punishing people like my loved ones with suppressive laws makes my head spin.  I cannot understand it or find any decent justification for it.

I am coming out that I believe that every person is entitled to worship in his or her own way.  I am very interested in many religions and cultures and would rather learn about them than judge them.  I believe we have more in common than most people would allow themselves to see.

My family brought me up to believe in God, follow the Bible, and declare Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  When I was a baby, I was not traditionally baptized.  I was, however, dedicated to the Lord by my parents.  I do believe that Jesus died on a cross for my sins.

However, I also believe there are many ways to fulfill a spiritual need and that need is different for everyone.

I am coming out that I would not classify myself as a traditional Christian. My spirituality is not based on only one belief system.

There is a great spiritual plan for me.

I am coming out that I am okay with people who identify themselves as Secular Humanist, Agnostic, or Atheist.

I am telling you that if Hell, as it was taught to me growing up, is real, and if sin as it was taught to me growing up is literally that, then I am going to Hell.  However, I just want to be me and to be true to what I feel inside of myself, so if that's the case, all I can do is be the best person I know how to be with integrity and honesty and face Hell willingly.

It is one thing to believe in Jesus but another to follow all the rules and let other people dictate to you who you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to believe.  That detail should be left between the individual and their god.

I am strongly coming out that I do still consider myself to be an actress.  I define that process as being a student of life and observer of people.  I analyze human behavior.  I interpret scripts, stories, and dialogue between people.  I want to share the things I learn with others.

"The word theatre comes from the Greeks. It means the seeing place. It is the place people come to see the truth about life and the social situation. The theatre is a spiritual and social X-ray of its time. The theatre was created to tell people the truth about life and the social situation."

I am emphasizing that I am a writer.  It goes along with the acting thing.  I mostly write about women and issues involving women.  My characters range from traditional white housewives to black lesbians, from little girls with irresponsible mothers to older women who discover who they really are for the first time.

I am emphasizing that I do desperately want to make a living doing what I love and what I feel I was born to do.  I feel more than anything else that I was put on this earth for that purpose.  It is my calling.  However, it is my calling whether I make money at it or not.  So no matter how unreasonable it may seem, I will continue to write and seek recognition for who I am and what I want to do.

I am coming out that I have very open-minded views about marriage.  I live with my boyfriend of 7+ years.  We would like to be married someday, but it has to be at the right time and for the right reasons for US, and if that day never comes, we will be okay.  We are only sorry that this aspect of OUR relationship causes so much concern for those we love.

I am coming out as a huge fan.  Of many things and people.  Almost everyone I know is a fan of something or someone.  I don't understand why I should feel judged for what I love when other people aren't.

I am coming out as a singer. 

I also get terrible stage fright when singing. 

I also dream of working with my favorite actresses. 

"Being brave … means that if you are scared, you do the thing you’re afraid of anyway."

I am coming out as a person who cannot tolerate injustice or abuse.  I have a really hard time watching people I love accept it.  When it is dealt to me, chances are I'm going to fight myself into a hole, tooth and nail, and once that's done I have to cut my losses and move on before things get worse. 

One of these days maybe people will stop sitting back and allowing bad things to happen to good people.

I am coming out as a potty mouth.  I control my language professionally and out of respect for other people.

I am coming out as a supporter of immigrants.  Some of the most patriotic people I have met are people who were not born in this country, but they understand the fundamental values which the United States of America were founded on when OUR ancestors came here as people who were discriminated against, fearing for their lives, servants and slaves.  They are willing to work as hard as we ask them to for the opportunity to stay here.  They know all the words of the Pledge of Allegiance, what the Statue of Liberty stands for, and the words on her plaque.  They want opportunity and liberty as much as we do.

I am most certainly coming out as a supporter of teachers and unions.  I come from the working class and I know how hard it is to be a teacher.  I know what teachers are going through right now with the recession and all that embattled public schools are demanding of them. 

As a worker, I know that companies are pushing and stretching their employees further and further to save a few dollars.  I know how exhausted, frustrated and beleaguered Americans are right now.

I am coming out as a supporter of the arts and the arts in schools.  Every person needs an outlet, a form of creativity, a way to express their individuality, or just an enhancement to the basic skills they need to know in life.  I know that debate rages, so I'll leave it at that.

And yes, I do get passionate about things that seem trivial to others.  When I do, just listen -- you might see something in a different light.

I am coming out as a person who has always been afraid to be myself, and who doesn't want to live that way anymore.  Take it or leave it.  I want to walk with my face in the sun.  I want to be honest with my family, friends, and my spiritual deity.  I want to stop being afraid to act differently, to believe differently, to disagree and voice my own opinions.

I want my soul to be comfortable in my body and my life.

So from now on, I promise to be respectful of your opinions, but to be proud of my own if they're different.  Sometimes part of respecting you will require me to step back, or keep my mouth shut, but I will no longer question my own ideals when faced with your judgments on them. 

I will no longer feel guilty when someone tries to tell me that living this way or that way is right or wrong, particularly when they have not even considered walking a mile in my shoes, and particularly when they have not paused to question me - myself - about the decisions I make. 

Your understanding of me is limited to your level of open-mindedness.  I do promise to always try to understand you and where you are coming from, and to listen, and I expect that same consideration.  We will not always agree, and I will not expect us to.  You shouldn't either.  Agreeing to disagree is more important than losing a person you love because of stubborn ways.

And yes, I am stubborn, so I may need a gentle reminder now and then of the promises I have made to you and to myself. 

Fights will happen.  But so will apologies and forgiveness, if you let them.

I have opened my heart and let you look inside.  I will always try to authentically do so, but you must understand that hearts are vulnerable and I will sometimes need to protect myself.

Most importantly, I hope that my being more open and honest will allow others that I love to live more authentically -- despite what the society they live in tells them about how to live, or believe or survive.

I am so full of love and passion and curiosity about life and the world and others.  Life is so short, but it can be a great journey, and I am so grateful to those who have allowed me into their hearts; and the best I can do is to honor them for that by aspiring to their level of unwavering love and openness.