Where have I been?

Since last spring, I've been here:

And to be honest, I really miss the place.  I especially miss most of the very kind, sweet, honest, people of integrity that I worked with.

I do not, however, miss the situation I was in.  And I especially do not miss the people I worked with who had no integrity.

And that's all I'm going to say about that.

20 Seconds

I just want you to watch the first twenty seconds of this clip of One Life to Live.  That's all I ask.

Now, let me tell you what I see from an acting perspective.  These are things that make perfect sense, but since I was specifically taught these things by my teachers and mentors, they are blatant to me.

In the first second of the video, we see Dorian in the middle of thought, moving to do something specific -- what that specific thing is, we as the audience don't know.  Then the doorbell rings.  There is an entire thought process that plays out before our eyes in one exact second.

It reminded me of watching Kate Mulgrew at "Hollywood Speaks at the Adler," captivating young fans and acting students with tales of her experiences as a young actress and the wisdoms imparted to her by her teacher (Stella Adler).  There are many stories and a lot of advice that stick out in my head from that day -- like the one about her matriarchal teacher pulling her across the stage by her hair, or the lesson about looking out the window and dying inside as a man walks away -- but the one I am reminded of in this quick second of One Life to Live is the advice that you should never just walk onto a stage or make an entrance.

You're always going somewhere -- doing something.  There's always an inner thought process.  You can't find your keys.  You forgot to turn off the lamp.  You need to make an important phone call.  In Dorian's case, she is fretting over the kidnapping of her nieces, helplessly stuck at home trying to coordinate volunteers, family members, and the police with only her technology -- a computer and the phone.  (In a later episode, as she waits by the phone, a visitor -- Viki -- points out that she is all alone.  She has her phone but no human consolation.)  What goes through the character's mind as she turns back to her desk is something only the actress really knows.  (How wonderful to know something that intimate!)

It reminds me of Kate Mulgrew's demonstration.  She left the stage in the middle of her talk -- off stage right through the door of the set of a play that would be happening later.  Then, it became her door.  She walked halfway through, turned back, disappeared again, reappeared, fiddled with something out of sight, completely distracted, continued onto the stage (or into the room), kept looking back, not watching where she was going, and eventually turned back to her audience and pointed out something to the effect of, Wasn't that much more interesting?

We had no idea what imaginary thing she was fiddling with on the other side of her door as she entered.  Maybe the hall light wouldn't turn off?  Maybe she was straightening a shelf or table that was cluttered?  Maybe she was trying to keep another person or animal out of the room?  Maybe she hung her coat up, turned the light off, squashed a bug on the wall, and then heard a noise?  Who knows!?

In that one second of this television show, was Dorian going to make a phone call to the police commissioner?  Read the MyFace statuses of her nieces' friends?  Send another email to her constituents and contacts?  Give instructions to the people manning the tip hotline?  Check the website of a local newspaper or television station?

Oh!  There's the doorbell.

Fourteen seconds after her initial thought, she is answering the door and squinting as she is blinded by the flash of a camera in her face.  She's not too awfully surprised by this, because she is the mayor and she did run a somewhat controversial campaign that received a lot of media attention (a year ago).  While she is still recovering from the flash, she is told to "say cheese," and she looks back at the photographer.

In the 17th and 18th second of the video, the photographer lowers her camera and Dorian is able to get her first glimpse of the face behind it.

And in that 18th second, we have another one-second piece of brilliance.  Dorian sees the face of her photographer and it is very apparent and clear to the audience that there is a glimmer of recognition.  She has seen that face before.

Let me tell you about the whole seven seconds between Dorian swinging open the door and that moment of recognition from the perspective of an acting student.

First of all, when Dorian opens the door, the fact that there might be a camera on the other side of it is the last thing on her mind.  This is obvious by the way she is caught off guard by the flash and has to recover.  The actress knows that there is a brief blindness after the flash as the human pupils adjust and readjust to the light.

The photographer says, "Say cheese!" which prompts Dorian to look back up at the camera.  She is still dazed, like it or not, and by the time her senses recover the camera is already covering the face of the photographer again.  The actress knows that the character still isn't sure who, exactly, is standing at her door.  There is another thought process in itself.

Finally, the camera is lowered and Dorian is able to see who is taking her picture.  Before the scene changes, she takes a moment of realization and begins to draw conclusions as to why someone is photographing her.  In one second.

The character, though she has seen the person behind the camera before, and though she has been standing before her for several seconds, does not show any sign of recognition or realization until the specific second when the camera is lowered and the face is revealed.

Here's a really cool thought:  Very few actors are able to play the same character for the span of time that a soap opera actor is able to.  However, it is every actor's duty to know whatever character they play, for however short their period of time together is, intimately.  When the actor steps into the character, when the character "takes over," if the actor has done their homework and truly knows their character, all of the character's responses and gestures come naturally -- without a thought or effort.

The actress doesn't have to say to herself, Okay, I have to act this way now, because my character is thinking about this other thing. It just happens because the actress has stepped out of the way and the character is now living in that magical other world that only comes to life when the actor allows it to.

(Here is a more complete version of the clip above.)

Jen's Writing and Facebook

I'm just leaving a quick note to let everyone know that I have a Facebook page called "Jen's Writing" where I post miscellaneous things that I've written. Don't worry.... As of yet I haven't posted any whole novels on there ... or stories that take a lot of dedication to read.

Stop by and give me a "Like" if you like!

Stella Adler Academy reminded me on Facebook this week that Henrik Ibsen said,

‎"Before I write one word I must know the character. I must penetrate into the last wrinkle of her soul. I always proceed from the individual. As soon as I am certain of every aspect of her humanity, I have to also have her exterior in mind down to the last button. How she stands and walks, how she bears herself, what her voice sounds like. I do not let her go until her fate is fulfilled."

Stella Adler also followed this technique as an actress. She talked about how she learned something of Ibsen's character, Nora, from "A Doll's House," by the way she watched her husband have a drink. In a way, the playwright was the teacher and the actor did her homework, in turn teaching the audience.

I adore artists who know their characters that well, and I regret very much that I was a generation (or two) late on being able to study with Stella Adler and her contemporaries.

Gloria Stuart

I just want to take a moment to acknowledge Gloria Stuart at her passing.

I don't think she was really a household name at all, but mention "Old Rose" from Titanic and almost everyone knows who you are talking about. (Those are usually the type of actresses I tend to admire.)

I don't want to focus on the fact that she played a supporting role in that 1997 film (over 10 years ago!) but I have to draw a comparison between the movie and what Gloria Stuart represents to me.

I went to see Titanic with my grandparents and my cousin on New Year's Eve, late in the evening. Since the movie ran for over three hours, it was 1998 by the time we stepped out of the theatre. I have seen Titanic since then, but believe me, you can't really fully appreciate Titanic (or many other movies of that proportion) unless you see it FULL SIZE - in the theater, with only the light of what is happening on the screen before you and the sounds surrounding you.

We laughed at the funny parts, gasped at the scary parts, and cried like babies during the tragic and heartbreaking parts. As we left the theatre we discussed the movie and traded our experiences.

THAT is what great movies should do to people.

As I said, I don't want to focus on the fact that Gloria Stuart played the storyteller in that movie, because that particular moment in her career should not be what defines it. I do remember watching the Oscars that year (Titanic swept, by the way) and feeling such great respect and admiration for the oldest actress ever nominated for an Academy Award. To me, that proved that you are never too old to do what you love.

Recently, I've had to amend that lesson:

You're never too old to keep doing what you love.

You see, Gloria Stuart was always an actress, and she was in some pretty recognizable movies besides Titanic. It is just that our current generation has lost touch with the mystique of her era. We look back with awe at movies like Gone with the Wind and those great old classic Hollywood musicals and wonder from a distance what it must have been like to be part of that glamour and magic. I read autobiographies of actresses and see scenes like Katharine Hepburn running into Ginger Rogers and it is like some surreal, distant fiction - too good to be true. I look at old black and white photos of studio gatherings, parties, or movie sets and it doesn't feel like I'm looking back a generation or two. It feels like I'm looking at another time and another world.

(And maybe that's why movies like Titanic are that fascinating. They aspire to that level of Hollywood greatness.)

I have heard more than one actor complain that Wikipedia is grossly inaccurate, but I have to say it may be one of the best resources for finding out information - in a general sense if not an accurate one - about people we wouldn't otherwise be able to research without considerable effort. Gloria Stuart's page on the encyclopedia gives you the sense of who she was and what she meant to Hollywood.

Movie roles aside, Gloria Stuart, it says, was born in Santa Monica - not far from Hollywood. Several people in her family were accomplished in their own careers. It says she dropped out of Berkeley to get married, and was not only active in theatre, but in the world of art, and knew several prominent artists. It also features a picture of her with the other "WAMPAS Baby Stars" in 1932 (seen above).

(WAMPAS is the Western Association of Motion Picture Advertisers who picked starlets every year and introduced them at a grand party. More info HERE and HERE.)

Her Wikipedia article also claims she was a founding member of the Screen Actors Guild.  However, the article for SAG says she was one of the members who was especially supportive in the early years (and not necessarily a founder).  Stuart was an activist and surely played a key role in actors having the rights they do in their workplaces today.

(A side note:  She apparently also volunteered to join the French Resistance around the time of World War II, when she and her second husband were visiting France, but was turned down.  She ended up taking singing lessons and entertaining troops.)

Still active in the art world, she also owned her own shop and later created artists' books, some of which ended up in the Metropolitan Museum, Library of Congress, J. Paul Getty Museum, and Bibliothèque nationale de France, to name a few places.

Two lines stand out to me in the whole article.

• "Stuart was a versatile female lead, but was never given the roles that would make her a major star, a source of great frustration."

• "Stuart died in her sleep on September 26, 2010 at the age of 100, due to respiratory failure."

She wrote an autobiography -- I Just Kept Hoping.  It has just been added to my list!  I will always look up to Gloria Stuart.  She did what she loved wholeheartedly, tirelessly, endlessly.

Recommended:  "Gloria Stuart, an Actress Rediscovered Late, Dies at 100" By ALJEAN HARMETZ and ROBERT BERKVIST on NYTimes.com

"The sin'dorei will prevail."

The picture you are looking at is of a female blood elf (or quel'dorei) and a mana wrym.  Blood elves were once called "high elves," and were descendants of the Highborne, a faction of night elves that used arcane magic.  Because the night elves (or kaldorei) did not approve of the use of arcane magic (and this is putting it as simply as possible), the Highborne were exiled.  Over time, these exiled "high elves" changed to become what are now known as blood elves.

The high elves eventually settled in an area known as Quel'thalas, where they consistently battled with forest trolls for supremacy and forged alliances with other races.  In their conflicts (again, making this story as simple as possible), the high elves became addicted to the magic power they wielded.  After their city was attacked and their lives destroyed, they were renamed the "blood elves," or "sin'dorei" (literally "children of the blood") and had to find new sources to satiate their addiction and renew their power.

The picture above is not just a picture of a beautiful elf with a magical creature.  It is a picture of power and history, darkness and light, and of survival and adapting.

Why Robin Strasser Has to Write Her Autobiography

I am sorry to say that I am not good at writing letters of support (also known as "fan letters") because I feel like I've had a very bad experience in the past due to this great practice.  It isn't that I don't support the Arts, my favorite actors, or what I consider to be the best shows.  What it is ... is that I do not want to alter anyone's perception of me -- particularly that of people I want to consider to be colleagues that I greatly respect or admire ... rather than people I "look up to" or "idolize."  For the same reason, I am very leery of pursuing my current in-road into becoming a soap blogger or soap media.  It is all about perception, and how I want to be perceived.  If I do actually pen and mail a letter, I often forget to include the ever-important SASE.  I'm just not in the habit, because 8 out of 10 times (and that may be a literal count), I don't require or want a response.

I suppose, by definition, I am a fanatic.  I am a passionate and enthusiastic student of life, myself, behavior, art, varying perspectives, and how to deal with all of that.  Robin Strasser once pointed out that the Latin root of the word "diva" refers to the "divine."  Well, the Latin root of the word "fan" just refers to someone who is "inspired" by the divine.

Still, I abhor the idea of being referred to as a "fan."  Call me inspired, yes.  Call me passionate, yes.  Call me enthusiastic, yes.  Call me a student, yes!

...But do not write me off.  Do not wander away down a hall making a comment that lumps me into a category with thousands of starry-eyed young girls trying to find their way in the world.  Do not call me into a dressing room to say hello and never expect to see me again, let alone work with me.  Do not look at me wistfully, as if glancing into the past, and tell me that I'll understand "someday."

Consider me now.

I am here to learn.

That being said, I can now explain why it is so extremely important to me that this particular actress writes her autobiography, and includes as much brutal honesty about her life in it as possible.

Books written by actors first became very crucial to me when I was studying at Stella Adler Academy and realized there was a huge "generational gap" between Stella Adler and myself.  I was being taught by her students, so in a way she became like my "acting grandmother."  I felt a real sense of detachment from her direct wisdom, but thanks to the insight of Kate Mulgrew, who spoke at the Adler, and reading some notes that were written in Stella's own words, or came directly from her mouth, I was able to begin growing in my understanding of what, exactly, she was trying to teach the acting world.

The next influential book I (tried) to read was Colleen Dewhurst's autobiography.  She spoke a lot about the intricacies of the acting world at large, including summer stock, unions, her journey as an actress, plays and parts, and wisdoms about life she picked up along the way.  I found myself so intrigued that I had to take notes.  After I realized I had checked the book out of the library for several months in a row without completing it (mostly because I wanted to keep it), I was embarrassed and returned the book, promising myself that I'd check it out again later or buy it.

I also read Katharine Hepburn's autobiography, which holds a special place in my heart since I bought it in the gift shop at the theatre where I saw "Tea at Five" in Hartford.  It also shared a lot, in her own words, about the business, how to survive it, and what her own teachers taught her.  Of course, her stories offered some alternate perspectives and techniques to what I had already learned, which taught me in return, and which I'm grateful for.

Currently, I'm attempting to read Ellen Burstyn's autobiography -- another one that I'm struggling through because so much of it seems so profound to me.  In particular, she learned slightly different acting techniques than I did, and much of her struggle in the beginning dealt with learning that it is okay to be imperfect.  That is something I have struggled to teach myself, as well, thanks to her revelation.  I am also enjoying reading about her spiritual journey very much.

I have a list of more autobiographies by actresses (colleagues) I admire that I want to read and learn from in the future.  When Robin Strasser's book is released, it will jump to the top of that list.

Why?  Because I know that she has dealt with a problem that we share and a struggle that few people in our position comprehend.  It has crippled me and my career time and again, but she has dealt with it successfully.  It is an issue that never really seems to go away -- a hindering one -- but a difficulty that one can function with and have a beautiful career and life despite of.  I have not figured it out.  She has, by her own admission, smiled through it at times.  I am grasping and desperate for her understanding -- for her unsolicited or perhaps unintentional encouragement -- on how to keep functioning and moving forward when it feels like the world is trying to swallow you.

In the meantime, to quote Dory from Finding Nemo, I "just keep swimming," and keep learning, and keep trying to figure it out.  I'm having a blast, and I'm excited about the future.  Still, my desire to be more, to do more, and to learn more is never quenched, and I'm very impatient about it all!  Those who know me very well are aware of the underlying reasons for my impatience -- which, simply put, involve a lot of time running out and a lot of missed opportunities that are or were beyond my control.  ...Time running out and missed opportunities with loved ones, teachers, and those I, myself, have influenced.

I just want to learn so much.  I want to understand.  I want to continue to grow, every day.  I want varying perspectives.  I want insight.  I want to, at the end of my life, say that I was the best person I could have possibly been -- no regrets, no missed opportunities, no pauses in the growth process -- despite fears, hinderances, or unavoidable conflicts.

I use a cheat sheet -- I look at the lives of others, see through their eyes, and learn from their lessons.  I have peeked at Robin Strasser's notes, and I want to see more!

Confidence Instead of Apologies

I'm often in a no-win situation at work that is completely beyond my control.  It makes me dread my otherwise agreeable job.

For anyone who doesn't know, I work in that lovely industry that helps all artists pay their bills -- hospitality.  I work in the front of the house at a resort -- usually as the hostess at the premier, up-scale restaurant in the hotel.

Right now, we're in the summer season -- the tourist season -- the warm, sunshine-y, active season when people love to come and have fun, families hold reunions and weddings, companies host huge conferences, and local people actively frequent the amenities on their "stay-cations."

We are consistently over-booked on Friday and Saturday nights.  We have to turn people away at the door for not having reservations.  This is amazing to me because, as proud as we are of our facility and our restaurant, we aren't exactly a famous, big-city restaurant.  It just so happens that we're one of the best in the state and pretty much the best option in the area.

Don't ask me why we get overbooked.  To me, that's somehow totally preventable, but I really have no way of controlling it.  The problem usually happens for three main reasons:

1.  Large parties that plan out the details of their stay weeks (even months or years) in advance with the sales office sometimes have overlapping times and have to be seated in different areas of the restaurant other than the private dining areas usually reserved for large parties.  And when I say "large party" I mean a party anywhere between 10 and 40 people.  We often get groups of 20 to 30 people who expect a private area, which is extremely hard to accommodate on a busy night and especially a "booked solid" night.

2.  The concierge, sales associates, and other people in the hotel who have access to the reservation system book reservations for their guests without paying attention to how many tables are still available or how many other people will be in the restaurant at that time.  Often when I am confused about why a reservation was made the way it was or I see something that doesn't make sense, I look up who made the reservation and it is a name I don't even recognize.

3.  When the restaurant is closed, calls are diverted to a mysterious "answering system" that I am very suspicious about.  I have been diverted to this answering system myself.  There is a rustling noise followed by a beep that one can only assume means, "Leave a message!" but there is no way that we are aware of to check these messages.  And if by some miracle you get patched through to the manager's voice mail instead of the mysterious beep, you're still taking your chances because he may be in a meeting, distracted with another venue, or not even working that day.  Often people will show up thinking they have a reservation ("I left a message three days ago!") and it is not in the system at all.

Add those people to the list that also includes VIPs and high-rollers that the casino hosts need to accommodate like it is a huge emergency, the people who start making an hour or two drive before they call to say they're coming, and the people who miraculously get in without a reservation because some manager or another wants to impress or accommodate them, and, BAM!  You're overbooked.

We really do try very very hard to accommodate all of our guests in some way, but it requires a great deal of patience from everyone.  We can handle the patience.  It is our job to be patient and accommodating.

Guests aren't always so patient with us, though.

And one of the biggest problems on these busy nights with large groups is that we have to pull several smaller tables together to make one very large table.  Large groups take up a lot of tables!  So while you may be able to seat five or six "four-tops" and about eight "two-tops" in an area on a normal night, a bunch of those tables have disappeared on a night with a large group -- particularly if they want a private area.

This may sound disgusting, but I have learned that apologizing on these nights is not in the best interest of me, the restaurant, or the resort.  I can usually pull off a simple, "Sorry for your wait," and then distract the guest with something that sounds like it would make up for it -- like an interesting fact about their table or how great their waiter is going to be.

However, a real, sincere apology nearly always makes me sound like I don't know what I'm doing or reflects poorly on the restaurant.  I know that sounds backwards, but it is true.  And you would not believe how hateful and impatient people get when they think that the people taking care of them don't know how to do their jobs!

Strangely, even though people may desire or expect an apology for an inconvenience like having to wait for a table when they had a reservation, they actually respond much better and have a better recovery from the experience if they're met with no-nonsense, unapologetic confidence.

For example, if I were to say, "I'm so sorry you had to wait on a table that long," they begin to wonder why they had to wait and might even ask.  Any reason given or assumed is not good.  What kind of restaurant gives away more tables than they have available?  Can't they handle the amount of guests they try to accommodate?  What is going wrong that makes it so they can't turn a table or reset it in the time they should?

And those uncertainties lead to questions and assumptions about the rest of the experience -- from where they are sitting to how good the food will be to the bill.  Not good.  If they expect the worst, they almost always find it.

Instead of apologizing, it is better to just not mention the mishaps and make it seem as if nothing went wrong -- that it was all under control from the beginning.  As stated before, a quick and cordial, "I'm sorry for your wait," is fine, but a brilliant smile and personable conversation is a great way to get the experience back on track.  Don't pretend a bad experience never happened, of course -- just find a way to make up for it as swiftly and smoothly as possible.

When someone's steak is undercooked, the servers swiftly remove it from the table and correct the issue.  They don't make a big deal about it or place blame.  They correct the issue and make sure the rest of the experience is pleasing.

If a table is ever so unhappy that we're ready to comp dessert (or even the whole meal - ouch!) chances are there is no going back.

At any rate, I've dealt with some rather hateful people on busy nights.

One night, I couldn't seat a table of five people because there were no tables for five available at the time.  (Our tables seat two or four, generally.  Often for a five-top we will add a chair and settings to a four top that will fit five, or push two tables together.)  I kept watching a table that had opened up in the section near the door, but it wasn't getting bussed/reset.  A couple of times, I walked through the restaurant to check for other tables that may have opened and been reset without my realization.  Finally, I just left my area/job and bussed the table myself and pulled a chair up to it to accommodate five.  As I seated the table, I offered a genuine apology for the wait.  One of the ladies, without looking at me, said in a very loud and angry tone to the person next to her (though obviously directed at me), "I just don't understand how it can take 15 minutes to pull a chair up to a table!"  For the rest of their dinner, every time I was nearby, she shot daggers with her eyes and commented hateful and even insulting things to the other people at her table about how terrible or stupid I must have been.  The really insulting part was that they let her get away with it even though a couple of them looked guilty and even encouraged her to hush.

On a recent Friday night, as we opened the doors for service, already mostly booked for the evening, a lady walked in the doors to make reservations for two groups of nine.  This request was honestly impossible.  I politely informed her that we could accommodate nine people at six-thirty, but the next available time would have to be eight-thirty.  She did not want to wait that long, so she reserved a spot for her group at six-thirty and her brother's group at eight-thirty.  As she turned to leave she asked, "Is there a dress code?"

I answered with the response that my manager wants me to respond with.  "Resort casual.  A polo or collared shirt and khakis are fine."  (Men are always more concerned with this than women because some restaurants require a suit jacket and/or tie.)  She didn't seem to have a problem with that answer and left to inform her groups of their reservation times.

The second group called us a while later to tell us they were bringing 12 people, not nine.  This was stretching us a bit, but nothing we wouldn't try to handle.

They called back a while after that to inform us they were bringing 16 people.  Our manager informed them that we could not accommodate 16 people, and they compromised on 14.

At eight-thirty the man in charge of the group showed up in a tee-shirt and shorts, angry that we had a dress code.  He informed us that he was not going to bring his 14 people in to eat unless he could wear his tee-shirt and shorts.  He thought he had a lot of leverage with his 14 people who were about to buy 14 expensive dinners.

That didn't matter to us.  We're all about pleasing our guests, so we told him that it was okay if he wore his tee-shirt and shorts.  Our dress code is a request and we understand that on a vacation or day trip to a resort, people don't always plan their comfortable wardrobe for an expensive restaurant.  So, yes, he could wear his tee-shirt and shorts.

We promptly moved to seat his party of 14 at their large table in the center of our best dining room.  As we did, he informed us and his servers that they were going to pull up a couple of extra chairs to accommodate their 15th and 16th people and it would be fine.  We smiled and said we would do our best to make it happen.  He seemed perplexed, as if "doing our best" wasn't a good or confident enough promise.  (Count out another table for two!)

They had a server that evening who has a reputation for being able to handle large groups of people without problems or needing assistance from others.  I don't know what happened, but within ten minutes, the tee-shirt man had such serious problems that both the server and he left the table for a while, in opposite directions.  Another server stopped by the table a while later to make sure everything was alright and was informed that he shouldn't smile at them.

As the guests left that evening past the hostess stand, I stood and smiled confidently.  None of them even looked at me.  Just when I thought I was in the clear, the man came back through our front door, looked directly at me and said in an accusing tone, "You should focus more on your service and less on your dress code."  It actually took me a moment to figure out what he meant.

I get to hear about it all, and often get blamed for it all, from all sides.  I either didn't seat enough people in the right section, didn't plan ahead well enough, or didn't bend over backwards enough.

Apologizing, in my experience, really does no good at all.  Smiling confidently and explaining the facts of the matter, playing ignorant, or just not commenting at all seems to be the better option.  So to anyone who expects an apology from me ... I'm sorry!